Yet another bridesmaid issue

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 3 years, 2 months ago.

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    Hi There Knotties!
    So i am a newly registered knottie and have been reading all the bridesmaid related dramas and am disappointed to say am having a few issues of my own. 
    I have 2 bridesmaids, 1 MOH and 1 BM, i have known both of them the same amount of time, however am just much closer to MOH, we live 5 minutes from each other, speak every day and just have a generally better connection. Clearly, MOH is amazing. 
    BM on the other hand has been nothing but problematic. FH and I got engaged whilst on an overseas holiday, and I rang both BM and MOH from OS to tell them the good news and ask them to be in the bridal party straight away. BM seemed genuinely excited and happy then, however since my coming home, has seemed completely disinterested most of the time, and when she does ask how the planning is going, it is very forced and fake (i’ve known her for almost 10 years so i know when she is being genuine and when she’s not) 
    I have had 2 major wedding planning moments since becoming engaged, both of which she hasn’t been involved in, despite being asked and always being included by me. The first was my first wedding gown appointment, which i ended up purchasing my dress at. It was made completely last minute, and so i understood if she already had plans that day. Being told that it was her only chance to go grocery shopping for her NYE party she was holding was not exactly plans i thought that would trump me finding my wedding gown! 
    The second was my first bridesmaid dress shopping trip. I picked the day and time after speaking with her and being specifically told that she was available and would be happy to go on that day. 2 hours before we were meant to meet, i received a text saying that she was sorry but she could no longer meet as she had to pick up things from her mothers 50th birthday party the night before. Really? I asked if no one else could do that as the day was important for me and she clearly needed to be there to try dresses on, and all i got was “no they can’t. sorry” 
    The other issue is that both these events occured during a period of time when her partner was back home for the holidays (he is in the air force and usually lives in NT and only comes back to NSW for Christmas and special occassions). Every time her partner is back the rest of her friends get ignored and the world revolves around him. I have a feeling this is the real reason she didn’t commit to the pre agreed bridesmaid shopping and would have preferred her saying that she didn’t want to be away from her partner for an afternoon (although i still would have been annoyed) rather than her making up elaborate stories. 
    I am getting to the stage where i feel like saying to her that if she doesn’t have time to be a bridesmaid then let me know and I will find someone else who does. 
    Am i being unreasonable? 



    I think the bridal gown incedent isn’t worth getting worked up about, it sounds like it was short notice and close to a major event for your BM and I can understand why she couldn’t make it. The fact that you found your perfect dress without her is awesome though, even though I’m sure you wanted her there.
    As for the BM dresses, well that’s another story. I think you will need to be very clear, no less than 48 or 24 hours notice for cancellations or changes in times for anyone (including you to make it fair, and so she doesn’t feel like she’s being picked on). You need to confront her about how she made you feel and tell her that as part of being a bridesmaid, it involves occasionally being present and helping. But for your part, you say she has a history of focusing on her partner as she rarely gets to see him, as a friend you need to recognise how difficult it is for her being away from him, and to make a concious effort not to schedule get-togethers where possible during those special times for her. You can’t expect her to be fully “in the zone” when talking bridal stuff when her head is thinking about never getting to see the person she loves dearly, and finally getting some relief from it.


    Thanks Happy G!
    I’m happy to report that after I explained how hurt I was after the cancellation of the bridesmaid shopping incident, my bridesmaid has improved and has seemed much more interested. 
    I appreciated that she needed to spend time with her partner, and had he only been home for a week or two i wouldn’t have tried to organise something whilst he was here. However he had been home for over a month and they had plenty of one on one alone time to enjoy together that i didn’t think a few hours on a Sunday afternoon would hurt. 
    I had also asked her if she was available at that time and that time was chosen purely because she nominated it. 
    Anyways, as i said, she has improved alot since then so i can only hope things are on the up and up :) 



    I’m glad to hear she listened and took into account your feelings! Sometimes people just get caught up in their own stuff I suppose and can’t see how their actions may effect you, so I’m glad you had the courage to be honest with her about it and it made a difference.
    I was trying to think of what you could do about the partner because she seems pretty infatuated based on what you said, maybe if he’s someone you like you could arrange the meet-up times while he’s present or even ask him to tag along (that way  he can remind her to spend the time with you, or they both have no excuse and they have to come) plus it means she can’t really complain about not spending the time with him.

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