- June 24, 2014 at 10:38 am #443502
So my fiancee proposed in January and we are now 2 and a half weeks from the big day. Everything is organised and perfect and exciting, but the past few weeks I can’t sleep, my appetites gone down, my attitude has gotten worse, and everytime someone asks me if I’m excited I feel like I want to slap them – of course I’m excited, but I do have a life outside of a wedding, its not the only thing I’ll be excited about in my lifetime.
I’m 22 years old and because I have known some people to give marriage a bad review, I am worried I’ll soon be all unhappy and living day to day, like a lot of people I know seem to think marriage is. My BIGGEST fear is that I’ll end up grumpy and divorced, like my parents.
Because my attitude has gotten worse, I find myself snapping at my fiancee all the time, telling him to leave me alone and go away and similar and I’ve gone out for drives by myself just to have a bit of room. Its like the closert the wedding day the more he feels like he needs to be in my bubble and I’m not sure I’m all that used to it yet.
It all came to a head over the weekend when I went out clubbing with a few girlfriends and got a little over my head alcohol-wise (as you do if you haven’t touched alcohol for almost 7 months). He was a gentleman, stayed up late to come and bring me home. When we got home I naturally went to sleep only to be woken not even half an hour later with a spanish inquisition as to why I had been texting certain friends throughout the night (male friends – I’m actually a bit of a tomboy and don’t relate to many women. My fiancee knows this having been my best friend for about 4 years) and why there was a new number in my phone (I work in real estate and had bumped into a salesperson who gave me his number – nothing wrong with networking IMO, especially since its no secret I’ve been trying to get a job at this gentleman’s agency for years), etc etc. I felt like this doubt comes from his ex fiancee who cheated on him repeatedly – but they broke up over 3 years ago. So naturally, I was drunk and wanted to talk about it the next day and he was pushy about the topic and so I snapped, threatening to pull out of the wedding if he was going to act like this because really, it just feels like hes not over it sometimes. And I’m not saying once I get married I’ll turn into a party animal but I don’t see why this has to stamp out any possibility of having a girls night every now and again – complete with my drinks and dancing. Because I’m in real estate theres also always a chance I have to go away for development courses and such – am I supposed to tie him to my wrist and lead him along like a child so he can actually see that I’m not out to be unfaithful (though he has sort of been at the beginning of our relationship – those adult webcam chatrooms are a nasty habit to uncover 2 months in – though he now swears hes stopped and theres nothing to prove otherwise).
We now have to resort to couples counselling which will drain our much needed savings to sort out these issues. Two weeks out from the wedding. I actually cannot believe these issues have reared their ugly heads RIGHT NOW. We have a lot invested together and such a long history that I feel a bit cheated at present. Are these issues worthy of re-thinking the wedding or do I just weather the storm and come out the other side?June 25, 2014 at 7:14 am #443580
Woah, really? Counselling shouldn’t just be a financial burden, if anything it is the most vital element of wedding planning; you are effectively signing a contract committing yourself to a lifelong bond with another person which has serious financial and personal consequences. It should be a safe space for you two to work through those trust issues, commitment issues and wedding jitters together, and it should be a long-term feature as there’s no such thing as a ‘quick fix’.
It sounds like you guys still have a lot of issues that you need to come to terms with as a couple before committing to a marriage, as unfortunately getting married can be a great excuse to let problems stagnate, stay unsaid and fester until they become huge issues that end up becoming a bit of a fiasco. Besides, these issues aren’t new, they’re just being highlighted and brought up in a time of great stress where you’re both feeling uncomfortable and helpless. Your partner can see that you’re unhappy and stressed, and probably feels like he’s a target for your negativity, but also desperately wants to alleviate it and that will cause tension; you feel targeted and controlled by him being jealous and misinterpreting friendships by painting you with the same brush as his ex, so you’re both currently butting heads.
First of all, the cold feet, this is totally normal, however you should recognise the deeper reasons behind it, you feel young and don’t want to lose your life, friendships and freedoms. A good partner wouldn’t impact these things significantly, they’d be willing to compromise and see it from your perspective; If you’ve seen any inclination that your partner may become more controlling etc. post-wedding, it is worth talking to them and clearly setting out that you need “relationship-time” and “friend-time”, and that it is vital for both of you to maintain that healthy balance so that both of you are happy in the relationship. If you like to go out and drink with friends, marriage shouldn’t be an inhibitor; basically I see it as a piece of paper, and the relationship should continue unchanged from what it was before we exchange rings; don’t give up what you love to live up to some sort of social expectation of being a “wife”.
It also sounds like you both have different ideas of what constitutes being unfaithful; communication is vital in this area. Consent is a huge issue, as is determining what’s ok and what isn’t in terms of the openness of your relationship to other individuals. For example: for one some people online porn is considered totally normal and not a form of cheating, but for someone else it could be a betrayal of trust; each person has their own perspectives, ideals and beliefs; and they’re all legitimate, but occasionally they don’t match up for everyone in the relationship. So many couples just don’t take the time to discuss what they’re comfortable with for themselves and their patner(s), and it can lead to jealousy and stalking one another (which is very unhealthy for all parties). These ideals can be based on past experiences like cheating partners, but also religious, family and personal beliefs can greatly effect what some people consider cheating or sexual contact, or a betrayal of trust. Figure out where each of you stand on a variety of issues and set some mutual ground rules, and compromise where appropriate.
Don’t live in the shadow of other people’s relationship troubles, this is your life and your relationship. it is totally unique and has its own positives and negatives. Some marriages don’t work out, on average 50% – 60% depending on where you live (and rising), however you can’t live your life worrying about the odds. Be smart with your nuptials, pre-nups are an option, and counselling is a must; identify current issues and imagine them 10 years down the track with a lot more angst, history and mistrust causing them to snowball and you’ll see why it is important to maintain a strong network of friends and family etc. If you live life thinking about the “what if” then you’re not focusing on maintenance of the relationship and failure is going to be a bigger risk. Many people marry multiple times before they find “the one” so it’s not all bad, if things don’t work out it is a learning experience.
We’re actually the same age, so I know how daunting it can feel, the idea that you might be giving up some opportunities or settling down too soon is bound to cross your mind; but remember that you can always decide to wait a little longer, because the relationship will be there regardless of the ring, and your partner should be supporting you and loving you no matter how much time you need,
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