- April 4, 2013 at 10:51 pm #374167
I’m posting the story of my crappy wedding in the hopes that i might get some advice on how to get over it/put things in perspective etc. Sorry in advance for the long rant!Our wedding day was pretty much perfect, couldn’t have asked for anything better, but my new husband and I felt like crap the entire day – and basically had to put smiles on our faces and suffer through it all, because of his family.
My relationship with his family has never been great. I am truly a nice person, and had tried very hard to be friendly and get along with them. I had his sister as a BM to try and help her feel included, and tried to make sure everyone was involved when they wanted to be. But his Mum has just always been awful to me. At my bridal shower, Mum passed around a piece of paper for everyone to write a piece of marriage advice, and my MIL wrote “Keep your legs shut, you can’t afford the outcome.” That is just a sample of how she generally spoke to me.
So anyway, the night before the wedding, the BIL found out i was not going to be changing my name. It was something i had decided about 2-3 weeks before the wedding. I had been very open about it to anyone that asked, but we had been so busy planning the wedding that we hadn’t been around to see his parents to tell them. Neither my HB or I thought it would come up on the wedding day though, so weren’t too worried. Then the BIL lost his shit over it. He pulled out as my fiances best man, and then his parents became very angry as well. SIL was being very supportive, saying that BIL was being an idiot etc. WHen i had originally told her that i was keeping my name, she said it was awesome, and that she wouldn’t change hers either if she ever got married. All day i was stressed out, because i didn’t know what was happening with the inlaws or my fiance, and i felt awful for him, given that he was suffering because of a choice i made. When i walked down the isle, my fiance had a funny look on his face and i thought he was mad at me, or rethinking our marriage because his family didn’t like me (silly paranoia really). They had also managed to talk the BIL back into being best man, so he was standing there at the alter too. He wouldn’t sign our wedding certificate, and gave me a nasty look as we were signing. On our wedding video when the priest asks the congregation to bless the marriage, i see my MIL tight lipped as everyone else says “we will.” The photo should was really awkward with the BIL there too, sending hate vibes my way, i really wish he had just pulled out. It was actually the day after the wedding that was the worst. SIL started texting my HB, abusing him about everything. He had to go to her house to get some things and they ended up in a big fight. She told him i was a disrespectful bitch and listed all the reasons why my MIL dislikes me, and told him he no longer had a sister when he stuck up for me. He came home crying, and as all my extended family were at our house, he went to a friends place. I ended up bursting into tears infront of them all. His MIL came over that night and i lost it completely – let go years worth of anger. In the end she sort of apologised and we agreed to try and start over. The whole thing is just so awful. No one is really speaking to each other. Only my MIL is talking to me, and although i want to make an effort for husbands sake, i resent her because i feel that she caused all of the tension in the first place. We are also moving, because we live next door to them, and really need some space. We have also received contracts to sign to start building our dream home, but neither of us wants to sign them because we dont know if we can live in the same suburb as them. Argh!!! I really just cant believe it happened. Every wedding has its family dramas, but it happened too close to the wedding for us to recover enough to enjoy the day. I listened to some of our wedding music today and just burst into tears, because all i remembered was how awful i felt.April 5, 2013 at 10:37 am #374191
So so sorry to hear that your day didn’t go so well I don’t really know what to say because it is not something you can just get over but it really has made me think about my current situation…
Our wedding is at the end of this year and we haven’t finalised guest list or sent out invitations, but there is a fair portion of my partner’s family I don’t want to invite… And after reading your story it just made me feel more certain that I shouldn’t invite them! They ruined our engagement party, his parents were so stressed and upset about how they behaved, and it put a lot of strain on my partner and I, so now I am thinking I should stick to my guns
I think that it’s going to be one of those things that will get easier in time… Maybe hide/chuck the photos with them in them, and just display pics of you and your hubby – as much as other people have impacted on your day, the most important part was that you were able to promise forever to one another…April 5, 2013 at 3:27 pm #374295
HatingIt you made me cry. I’m sending you so many massive hugs.
I’m glad that you kind of have fixed things up with your MIL. I would just try to go with the mind frame that it’s not you, it’s them. At least you and hubby are in it together as a team and sound very strong. Try to ignore them and enjoy the rest of your life with each other.
I am sorry I’m not much more help, I’m feeling for you so much though. <3 <3 <3April 6, 2013 at 9:25 pm #374399
Thankyou for the advice, i think that its all we can really do – just try and put it behind us and focus on the great future that we will have together. Jsbride – i think you should definitely stick to your guns. People might not be happy about it, but even if it causes issues for you in the lead up to the wedding, at least you know there won’t be a drama on the day – and i think thats the most important thing. My HB regrets choosing his brother as part of his bridal party, because he knew he would complain and be unco-operative all the time, but he did it out of obligation, and look what happened. I think if you know people will be difficult and take away from what should be a special time, don’t include them because you feel like you should. Thanks for the hugs DankiStarApril 17, 2013 at 12:29 pm #380721
The issues that they are dealing with are just that, THEIR issues.
Quite possibly they think no-one will ever be good enough for their brother / son and as such are making things hard for you.
It would be too much to ask you to forget what has been done or to forgive them the hurt they have caused the two of you, but you can stop the negativity.
If they are nasty to you then be nice back. This doesn’t mean let them walk all over you, just be calm, polite but firm about your opinions/point of view.
Fighting back only gives them fuel to continue. If you can remain calm while they lose it then you keep your power and they will be looking foolish.
For you to recover from this you need to focus on the positives of the day:
1. You and Your Husband are now together and proved how much of a strong team you are together.
2. Everyone else has happily given you their blessings. It is a blessed union.
3. Your family is sane and I’m sure they were there to support you on your special day.
4. I’m sure their were moments of laughter and joy with your husband. remember how it felt when you were declared husband and wife. That is what the whole day was about.
At this point his family has to realise that your relationship will come first to him then theirs. If they truly love him then they will want to make things easier for him, not harder.
If they cannot love him enough for that then give them time until they can.
You sound like a nice person, so focus on your love and relationship, make that grow stronger.
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