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Wedding dress shopping dilemma – mother and step mother

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #444138

    JessicaFay
    Member

    When I used to imagine my wedding dress shopping experience, I would have my mother and sister (MOH) and perhaps my aunt/godmother (who has no children of her own) with me. It has occurred to me that I would also like to ask my step mother along, but it is always so awkward between her and my mother. So now I don’t know what to do??
     
    My step mother was not “the other woman” or anything along those lines – my parents split when I was 13 and my dad remarried when I was 17; they had only been dating a couple of years before they tied the knot. She is a lovely woman who has made my sisters and I (not her children) always feel welcome in her home. She has 2 sons with my dad now and always refers to us as their sisters, and when people ask her how many kids she has she tells them 5. She has never tried to take the place of our mother, but has also been a big support to all of us.
     
    Should I ask my mother how she would feel if I also asked my step mother along? I just don’t want my mum to feel she has to agree if she really feels uncomfortable with it (she suffers from social anxieties as it is). Should I do the main dress shop with my mother, sister, godmother and then take my step mother along to a fitting so that she can see the dress? Any other advice or suggestions?

    #444350

    BecT86
    Member

    Chat to your mum first and see how she feels, (you’ll know if she’s saying yes just to be nice). If it’s a no go then include your step mum in other ways, such as your fitting. My fiancé is an only child so his mum has wanted to be pretty involved with our planning so I split a lot of the tasks. For example I made the invites with my mum but the places cards with my MIL, I did the flowers with the MIL but the cake with my mum. That way their both involved and have their own ‘jobs’.

    #445005

    HappyG
    Member

    My fiancée has a similar issue where her parents separated when she was young and her father has a long-term partner (she and her mother also aren’t hugely close due to some childhood issues). She definitely wants her dad at the bridal table at the reception,  and knows that having her father’s partner there will make them both happy, however she doesn’t really want her mum up there and knows that she would be even more miffed and feel “replaced” if the partner was up there and she wasn’t. We’ve talked about it extensively, and there’s no real answer because you just can’t predict how everyone will react.
     
    I suggest that you invite the person (or people) you feel closest to, in the end you don’t want to make either one of them feel invalidated.  if you exclude your stepmum she will feel like you don’t appreciate all the years of love and care (but may be more likely to understand why you need to choose your mum), if you choose your stepmum your mum will feel like someone else has takenmher place and is “stepping on her shoes” so to speak.
     
    You need to weigh the pros and cons of both people, and their individual personalities will greatly affect your choice. 
     
    I would suggest talking to them both individually first. In the end you need to decide, you could delegate the tasks between them; or invite both and if one of them gets petty, ask them politely to leave as it is your special day and this is supposed to be a significant and special moment.
     
    Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
     
     
     
     
     

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