- June 27, 2013 at 11:01 am #400371
I am new to The Knot forum, so my apologies if issues like this one have been recycled and recycled…
My wedding is March next year, and I am having some major issues (and anxiety) about what to do with my bridesmaids. I knew from the outset that I wanted my cousin and a very good friend of mine, who I have known since I was a teenager, and that was fine…however, I have another friend who I had been close to from 7 years old up until the past couple of years. Our lives have gone in completely different directions, and she’s become more of a sister that I see on occassion rather than a friend…however she’s the type of person who would seriously get her nose out of joint for not getting a bridesmaid position. We still get along brilliantly, and as far as I’m concerned, she’ll always be a part of my life…however my other friend (who I have asked to be a bridesmaid) has been more of a ‘friend’ to me over the past couple of years than she has been.
Now, my fiance doesn’t have a lot of guy friends (or girl friends…neither of us have a large social group…at all) and has decided he wants to have my twin brothers as his groomsmen…so, everyone’s immediate suggestion to my problem is ‘oh, just tell her there’s only two spots and she didn’t make the cut’…that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t resolve the fact that her feelings may get seriously hurt if I have to outright tell her she’s not going to be a bridesmaid. The other suggestion I seem to get is ‘don’t tell her, she’ll figure it out’…but I feel like that’s unfair. We promised one another as kids we’d be each other’s bridesmaids…and now look. Very frustrating.
To complicate matters further, she has two kids (and will have three by the time I get married) and I don’t want them at the wedding as they misbehave terribly. There will only be two ‘children’ (under the age of say 8) at the wedding, and they are my little cousins. So, she could get even more ticked off that I’m not going to be inviting her kids.
And, on top of all that, my actual BEST FRIEND lives in Germany, and will be coming out for the wedding. She and I discussed it all, and decided it would be far too difficult for her to be a bridesmaid, and she was fine with that (as a friend should really understand I would think)…so I will be integrating her into the wedding in other ways…however don’t want to offend this other friend in turn.
What on earth do I do?? Anyone got any suggestions of how I can integrate these two (and more importantly, the one who will be upset) into the wedding??June 29, 2013 at 1:22 am #400987
i understand what you’re going through, I had a similar situation where I always had 2 close friends who I always said would be my bridesmaids along with my other friend. Over the last 2 years we had grown apart, one living in another town & the two becoming close because neither had a partner. When I got engaged I choose my friend who I always planned to as my MOH, then spent a good month feeling torn between the two I had always thought I’d have, even though we’d grown apart and my really close friend who has been a really close friend (so close I’m her child’s godmother) the entire duration of my relationship, in the end I chose my close friend. I haven’t regretted my decision once and my 2 other friends don’t seem to mind at all, they know how close my friend and I are and the fact we’ve grown apart & not as close. Hopefully your friend will be understanding, you could be working yourself up about nothing. If you do think she will get upset, maybe she could do a reading and your best friend wholives overseas could sign your marriage certificate? (I know the MOH normally does this but I’ve seen it done before) you could also ask her to maybe to give a speech at your reception. – hopefully I have t rambled too much and you’ve found my comment helpful? Good luckJuly 14, 2013 at 10:19 pm #405883
I can help with one part. With the younger children, put them in the bridal party so that you have an excuse of “no children” at your recpetion. This won’t work if there are children over the age of 8 there though, so you might have to have a babysitter there.
Or just address the invite to her and her partner – following ettiquette means she shouldn’t bring her children with her.
As for not having her as a bridesmaid, you could have her do a reading or something at the ceremony or have her make a speech so she is still important on the day without being an official bridesmaid.
You could also use the excuse that with a baby on the way you want her to focus on herself and her baby instead of having to have the stress of a bridesmaid added to her pregnancy.
You seem to not want to hurt her by telling her, but by not telling her aren’t you hurting her by letting her build up her expectations?
Sometimes in life people get their feelings hurt. However if we considered every action against everyone elses feelings we could never do anything because of the potential to hurt people (can’t leave house, door shutting might offend neighbours. can’t get food, someone else might have wanted the same food I do and would be disappointed that there is none left).
The best we can do is minimize the impact on their feelings and try to act in a way that is best for them and us.
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