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Sister Bridesmaid and other rudeness woes

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 10 months ago.

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  • #430129

    Hello
    I’m looking for some guidance for how to deal with some situations that arose at my engagement party.
     
    My younger sister (25) was supposed to come around a few hours early to help set up for our engagement party.  When she finally arrived only 45 minutes before the party start time I greeted her briefly, said thank goodness your here I need something done.  She immediately blew up at me and told me she didn’t come to run around (all I wanted her to do was drive 500m to the bottle shop to get ice).   I still hadn’t showered or dressed and was beginning to get quite stressed so asked her what she had come to do, at which point she huffed and puffed and said she’d leave.   In my haste I told her to leave, so she did and didn’t come back.
    I’ve sent her emails and texts since then and she won’t reply to me.  I don’t know if I want such a drama queen as my bridesmaid.  Is it acceptable to step-down a bridesmaid if she isn’t being supportive/helpful/attending KEY events?  Any input here would be wonderful.. We’re not particularly close, i mostly asked her out of obligation.
     
    Secondly, I received a text from a friend the day before the engagement party asking if she could bring her puppy (it’s a backyard party).  After discussing it with my FH we decided no, as we had 2 dogs of our own which would have to be locked up anyway, plus her young pup wouldn’t be fully vaccinated yet.  I replied to her text with this information.  iphone technology tells me she has seen my message but hasn’t replied.  She also didn’t bother coming to the engagement party.  How do i approach this?
     
    Thanks in advance ladies.

    #430169

    Mrs. Bum
    Member

    Hi There!
    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such an ordeal with your friend and sister.
    I am not sure what you sister is like but it sounds to me like she had her shackles up. Perhaps she’s jealous, or maybe she was just having a bad day. What ever the reason is, you need to clear the air with her and speak with her either in person or via phone call rather than text message/emails. Stay calm and let her know how it made you feel when she walked out and you want to start a-fresh. If she still won’t budge and is being really horrible, you need to give her a get out clause to step down as bridesmaid if she so chooses, but I don’t think you can ‘let her go’ from your bridal party.
    Regarding your friend and her dog, that is ridiculous on her part. You don’t bring your pet to an engagement party. Never-the-less, she also needs to be spoken to face-to-face if possible and explain that you’re really sorry she couldn’t be there, but your own dogs were being taken elsewhere for the party and secondly that her pup isn’t vaccinated yet. Perhaps invite her and her pup around for lunch one day to show the pup is welcome at your house, but it wasn’t appropriate for your engagement party.
    Best of luck with it all and congratulations on your engagement.
     

    #430375

    HappyG
    Member

    Congrats on your engagement party!
     
    I know how hectic, crazy and stressful they can be; I was showering, getting dressed and trying to desperately put on make-up as people were arriving because I was so busy preparing for the party and my father (who was supposed to help out) arrived late as he always does to everything haha.
     
    Chances are, you were probably percieved by her as a bit snappy when she arrived (which is understandable, she was late and you had a lot on your plate) but from her perspective she probably felt very confronted, especially if you’re not very close to begin with. Even if you feel she was in the wrong, sometimes the best way to start repairing things is to come with an open mind and apologise first, then talk about it (be the bigger person). Tell her how it made you feel and explain your perspective. Try and recognise things you both could have done to make the situation easier, for example, you could have asked her to pick up the ice on the way, well in advance rather than waiting for her to park, come inside and then ask; and she could have started by apologising for being late and asking how she could help to make up for lost time.
     
    As for the bridesmaid situation, things have changed, and when it comes to weddings now-a-days people do it their way. You are in no way obligated to have her as a BM because she is your sister. You should choose your bridesmaids based on who you feel will support, help and be there for you as friends through thick and thin. You should be able to trust and rely on them completely, as they are your go-to people. If there is someone in your bridal party who cannot fulfill that, replace them with someone who can. These people need to lift you up, support you through doubts, fears and tears; they need to laugh with you and help you plan the celebration of a lifetime.
     
    The friend situation seems like you think it is a lot worse than it may actually be. A puppy is a big commitment, and finding a boarding house at short notice is not only expensive, but very difficult. Because the puppy hasn’t been fully vaccinated, most places wouldn’t take the dog as it is a health risk. Chances are they assumed the puppy could come and didn’t think to ask (was it on the invite that no pets were permitted?), and when they realised they couldn’t bring the puppy they stayed home to keep an eye on it rather than risk leaving it at home.
     
    I often see a text and forget to get back to it, so I know from experience that it doesn’t always mean something (negative or positive) and it sounds like you’re reading into it a little too much. The best thing you can do is to call when you think she’ll be free, or text again and arrange to meet up. Then, over a coffee and some cake talk about it and tell your friend that you missed them at the party and hope there aren’t any hurt feelings.
     
     
     
     
     
     

    #430393

    i hope you still managed to have a good night dramas aside and sorry to hear about the mishaps ! doesn’t help stress levels… like the others say, just try to have a conversation w/ them honestly and be calm and voice your opinion…
    w/ the puppy thing… you don’t bring dogs to parties… and you shouldn’t be taking puppies anywhere unless they are fully covered w/ their vacs ! i know a lot of people don’t do this but i am a dog lover and their health is priority. if it was me and i (for some reason) asked to bring a puppy and was told no… i would be like … “all good… just thought i’d ask…”
    good luck w/ dealing w/ your sister…

    #430509

    Belle_82
    Member

    Hi Rhiannon, I’m sorry to hear about some of your troubles but I have to be honest and say you shouldnt be crawling up to your sister to see if she’s ok after her appalling behaviour. I’ve recently been in two weddings and I did absolutely anything that the brides asked me to do, as this time is all about her!!!!! If I turned up late to my sister’s engagement I would be apologising profusely (and expecting her to be snappy) and would then do whatever she asked me to do!!!!! You absolutely can step down a bridesmaid, both weddings I was in did exactly the same thing. One of them gave the option of being in it or not (she said no) and the other was blatantly told (was not intersted at all in the wedding). It is your day and you need people around you who mean the most to you. If you’re not that close to your sister, dont stress about it!! Find a new bridesmaid who will be there for you and support you!
    In regards to your friend with the dog, that is ridiculous! I absolutely adore my puppy but in no way would I take her to a bbq let alone an engagement party. She could have come to your engagement party for a short while and then gone home to look after the dog – what does she do with the dog when she’s at work, or does the food shopping!! Surely she could leave it home for an hour to celebrate your special event. If she is ignoring your messages and couldnt be bothered to even come to your engagement then I wouldnt be inviting her to the wedding – but thats just me!
    I’m sorry if I’m harsh but I just dont think you should be crawling after people who are clearly not making an effort for you. This time in your life you are allowed to be selfish and dont feel bad for doing so! I hope the rest of this journey for you is wonderful and you have an absolutely beautiful wedding day filled with loving friends and family!!!!!!

    #430632

    Kirraleej
    Member

    So sorry to hear about this. Obligation is tricky… I deliberately decided not to include my sister in my bridal party because she would do exactly the same thing. She’s been expecting it as I was in her bridal party (upgraded to MOH after she fired her original choice and another person quit) so softening the blow will be hard but I’ve been dropping little hints to help that along! 
    I realise it wouldn’t be easy to ask her to step down but when it comes to it your wedding (especially the before-hand getting ready stuff) needs to be fun and stress-free and if she isn’t going to make it that way for you then it might be in your best interest to ask her to do a reading or something else instead. Good luck.

    #430881

    HappyG
    Member

    I have to disagree with Belle a little, I don’t think you should be so harsh and axe everyone over something that could be a simple misunderstanding. Wait until you’ve  spoken to everyone and seen the situation from other perspectives before making any judgements.
     
    Your wedding is about celebrating a milestone in your relationship, but it isn’t the be-all and end-all, and if you’re losing friendships by being selfish and pushing away people over mistakes and miscommunication then you’re crossing over into bridezilla territory.
     
    I’d love to hear what your friends’ reasons were (I think a lot of people assume it is ok if the person inviting them already has pets, especially as it was at the home and not a separate venue). It sounds like things aren’t too close with your sister anyway, but I hope you can smooth things over. Apologising isn’t about saying you’ve done something wrong, it’s about acknowledging that things happened that probably shouldn’t have and letting go so that you can aim to start fresh and forgive.
     
     

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