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Should we ask fiancé's nephew to be a ring bearer/something else?

Home Forums Guests & the bridal party Should we ask fiancé's nephew to be a ring bearer/something else?

This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  JessicaFay 2 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #435302

    JessicaFay
    Member

    We haven’t asked anyone to be in our bridal party yet (it’s still a year away) but we have decided whom we would like to ask. I had always envisioned my half brothers as our ring bearers – the oldest one (he will be 7) will carry/look after the rings and the youngest one (he will be 3) will carry an unlit candle that we will be using during the ceremony.
     
    I have only just realised that my fiance’s nephew and godson will be 2 at the time of our wedding. This has got me wondering whether we should be asking him to be a ring bearer or something too? I personally think that 3 is too many but of course I will need to ask my fiance what his feelings on the matter are. I just wanted to see what other Knotties thought regarding this dilemma. Also, we plan on asking both his mum and dad to be in the bridal party and are having a ‘no child’ policy for children who are not in the bridal party.
     
    At 2 years of age, is he still young enough that he won’t be expected to have a role in the wedding? 

    #435526

    HappyG
    Member

    This is tough, 2 is really borderine, I think it will partially rely on where he is developmentally and what his temperment is like. If he’s calm, follows instruction well and can be trusted it may be something you can consider; but they call it the “terrible twos” for a reason, and young kinds can get grumpy, throw tantrums, and be difficult to reason with.
     
    It’s a hard age, and will be up to you and his parents, I’d give him something a little less sensitive than the rings though as he could throw them somewhere in a fit. Maybe just throwing confetti or being arm-candy to add a cute-factor?
     

    #435527

    DerbyBride
    Member

    I would have thought that two is a bit young.  I’ve seen a few churches request that any ring bearers/flower girls be at least three – they’re a bit more predictable by then!  I’m fairly sure I’ll end up with a flock of junior attendants, as I have two nephews, a godson, a goddaughter and possibly two young cousins to include, and FH has a godson also…

    #435577

    JessicaFay
    Member

    I have asked a few other friends who have gone through the stress of planning a wedding (and who had littlies involved) what they think and it seems that the general consensus is that 2 is too young (which was my thinking in the first place). I hadn’t really taken the “terrible twos” into account but am glad that it’s not looking like I’ll have to deal with it lol.
     
    This raises the issue of my fiance’s nephew and godson not being invited to the wedding. We plan on having a strict “no children” policy (except for my little brothers, who are both in the bridal party) because we have lots of friends and family with young children and we just cannot accommodate them all. There is family on both sides who will get very bent out of shape if we make an exception for some people’s kids but not theirs (this has happened at past weddings). Do you think my future SIL and her husband would be offended if we said that their son will not be able to attend our wedding?

    #435708

    DerbyBride
    Member

    I think if you have a blanket rule it will offend far fewer people than if you make an exception for some kids but not others (obviously your brothers are a different situation).  I think a simple “sorry, but we are unable to accommodate children at the wedding” is all that should be required.

    #435781

    So someone who have worked in childcare for a few years I would advise against having a 2 yo in your bridal party. As HappyG said it can really depend on where he is developmentally and at that age it can vary a lot. I would even say a 3 yo is a risk but if his 7 yo bro is with him that will help. I don’t imagine anyone will expect you to have him involved so I wouldn’t worry. I am having my 7 yo niece as a flower girl but no one expects us to have my FH’s 2 yo nephew involved.

    #435782

    *As someone* not *So*

    #435794

    HappyG
    Member

    It’s also difficult because if you have a “no children” policy, some people will also get upset that you have children in the bridal party (as the bridal party is generally a reflection of the wedding over-all). Would it be simpler to keep the bridal party kid-free as well.
     
    Some parents are very touchy and protective, and can get very bent out of shape around this sort of thing. We’re trying to be as accommodating as possible, but it is very difficult as a number of people we know will have toddlers around the time our wedding is planned and it could get a little crazy! That’s why we opted for an 18+ reception so that guests could decide if they could attend both the ceremony and reception. People that can’t do both because of child obligations will have an excuse to politely decline and it will save us money in the long run.
     

    #435861

    JessicaFay
    Member

    Happy G – In my experience, family and friends have not been upset that the only children in attendance were those included in the bridal party. In fact, almost every wedding I have been to has only included those children that are in the bridal party or are the children of the couple getting married. Besides, this is my sister and my half brothers you are talking about excluding – even if there were no children in the bridal party it would not feel right to be married without them there. Everyone will know that these children are my siblings, so I think it is a different matter entirely.

    #435888

    Kittikats
    Member

    Hi JessicaFay,
     
    As someone who works with children I can tell you that 2 is definately too young to have in an assigened role.
    I teach 3-4 year olds and even then it is sometimes really tough getting them to understand/do what is asked. When I have a younger child there then it just doesn’t work – because generally they don’t understand what is asked of them or haven’t got the attention span to carry through on it.
    At 2 he probably won’t really know about birthdays, christmas or easter too much (unless he is much closer to 3) so he won’t know, care or understand that a wedding is a big party.
     
    I’d say that the parents will understand that he wasn’t included in the wedding due to his age and not because you are snubbing that side of the family.
     
    The no child policy isn’t something new, however you might want to look at what exactly this means for the parents of your godson/nephew.
     
    If you are having a reception that finishes lateish (9pm) and not local then your nephew/godson is going to have to be babysat the whole day and whole night as they won’t be able to drive home or even if they do they will get home quite quite late.
    Also if your wedding is not local to them then they will need to stay the night before close to you for Bridal Party prep – another day without their child and another day requiring care.
    That is 2 days away from their child and possibly having to leave them with a stranger as I’m assuming that their family members will be at the wedding (and at that age I would only trust close firends or family to take care of my child unless I had a nanny – which most people don’t.)
    If that is the case it might be worth looking at a hotel that does a child minding service or hiring a carer/babysitter in the hotel they are staying at or at your reception for them and because your half brothers probably aren’t able to party until that late. 
     
    If however your wedding is local and/or finishes early then they shouldn’t have a problem getting a babysitter for the night. Unless they both drink and are unable to drive home!

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