- February 26, 2014 at 2:13 pm #433588
I didn’t really know where to post this, as it isn’t about my wedding, but the wedding of a friend I’ve known for a few years.
My friend (the groom) and I lived as house-mates together for a few years and we were very close, I was always the one he’d come to for support and help, and was a kind of “big sister” to him. Now he’s met a girl and they’ve just got engaged.
They’ve been together no more than 3 months (and he practically moved in with her when they first met). I figured it out well before she told me at the engagement party (where I asked her about it) but she’s pregnant (about 2-3 months along). So it’s kind of a shot-gun wedding. I feel like they’d make a terrible couple (as he would rely on her fully and she is only with him because he was nice to her) and even worse parents, and don’t support the match at all; but felt obligated to attend the engagement in good faith because he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his family and I feared no-one would come (especially as he’s moved to the country and everyone he’s known is in city, we had to travel all that way to the party which was a real pain in the butt)
Normally I wouldn’t get involved and would let them make the mistakes they wanted to without sticking my nose in their business; but he’s the kind of guy that will just walk up to random people and be best friends immediately, he’ll have their phone number and Facebook in a matter of minutes because he’s so sweet; and very easily gets led astray and convinced to do things he shouldn’t because he has a learning disability. I also worry that the child has a high chance of being disabled as well (as it runs in the family and seems to be genetic). He is special needs, and struggles with basics like cooking and caring for himself, let alone a child; he couldn’t even cook without me taking him through step by step and helping him out.
Now there’s going to be a baby shower, bridal shower, and the wedding is in September (either right before or right after the birth depending on timing). I really don’t want to buy gifts and even more dresses to wear for something I don’t support. I’m not the kind of person who can lie, I’m painfully honest… But I don’t want to be a bitch as this is going to be such a hard and stressful time for everyone and they need all the support they can get.
What should I do?
March 18, 2014 at 10:22 am #435376
I would definitely say you need to be there just so you’re showing that you support HIM. you don’t have to support the marriage, you may not agree with the relationship, but he needs to know that you’re there for him through thick and thin, good and bad, no matter what. I wouldn’t attend the baby shower, because that’s usually just the girls so that would be her only, just find something else to do on that day and say there’s a clash. Not so sure about the bridal shower either, you may need to think about that carefully because he may be upset if you don’t go, so base your decision on how much it means to him. the wedding I think you should go to because he needs your support and your friendship. if you really don’t think it will last, he needs you more than ever now so he knows you were there in the beginning, in the middle, in the end, and always afterwards.
regarding being honest, I am the same. but you will just have to be careful about how much of your opinion you disclose. you don’t want to tell him outright and have him be upset with you, it’s your friendship that matters. if you’ve already voiced your concerns and he hasn’t listened then that’s on him. if he starts talking about something and you don’t agree then make sure you’re careful about how you address it, or even if you choose to at all. there may be times where you might need to not say anything at all.
I suppose I’m just saying that make sure you let him know that you value his friendship above everything else, and focus on keeping that close relationship than on her and the pregnancy. good luck hun!March 19, 2014 at 9:05 pm #435528
Well in the end, there wasn’t much of a choice, I casually asked if he wanted to catch up (as we hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks) as we always used to do. But this time the response was that the fiancee insisted that he needed to “protect her” at all times because she was pregnant so he wouldn’t meet up with anyone without her (she won’t let his out of her sight for a second). I said that he was my friend and I just wanted to hang out, spend some quality time together and chat without her there like we used to; I gently suggested that healthy couples aren’t together 24/7 and have time apart with their own friends, reinforcing their relationships and support systems, and that it’s totally ok to have “alone time” and “together time”; and she hacked into his Facebook and had a huge tantrum, becoming paranoid and petulant.
She became really nasty and accusatory, even bringing my sexuality into it (which was totally uncalled for) so I decided to be honest about what I felt, because at least (unlike his other friends) I wouldn’t be talking behind his back (they’d been laughing and pretty nasty, and not saying anything to his face). I also said that it was nice that she wanted to tag along, but sometimes it felt a bit like a third-wheel as no-one really knew her yet and I just wanted to hang out without any pressure.
He was always my friend, and would stand up to me against homophobic attacks, he never would have let someone say such terrible things in the past; but he stood up for her! I was SO angry and really wanted to say that at least I had a legitimate long-term relationship with someone I love and who respects and cares for me, rather than someone who was stupid enough not to wear a condom and resort to a shotgun wedding. I felt she was one to talk about legitimacy considering the circumstances; but instead I just said I was dissapointed in him for not standing up for me, and asked him to stop contacting me.
I was so tempted to just be nasty and call her a controlling bitch; but I feel sorry for both of them. I think it is a chapter I’ll just have to close, and if I get an invite I’ll seriously consider saying no.
March 21, 2014 at 10:19 pm #435780
Sounds like you are better off without both of them. There is no excuse for him not to stick up for you. Sometime you see someone’s true colours when they get into a relationship. I had a friend once who swore she would never be the kind of person who would ditch all her friends when she got into a new serious relationship (you know like some people do, they just stay in together and stop communicating with people). Yet she met a bloke a couple of years ago and pretty much fell off the face of the earth. It is tough to lose a good friend but you deserve better than to be treated that way. You need to decide what you will do when/if things fall apart and he comes crawling back to you for support.March 24, 2014 at 3:42 am #435795
I know exactly what you mean (similar situation here). See that’s where I need advice. Should I help him if he comes to me?
If the relationship lasts it will be a miracle (and certainly one of those “staying in it for the kids” situations which isn’t good for anyone involved) and he has a history of jumping from one person to the next (he was with someone else 2 weeks before this girl, which is a whole other messy story). I guess it upsets me because they’re bringing a child into this who shouldn’t have to live with those mistakes, and without outside support. I know his family won’tbe there for him, and I was one of his only reliable friends.
I knew it was going to be a challenge, but was totally willing to be the one to pick up the slack, babysit and support him in every way I could (even travelling to that stupid town, which is hours away). But after what has happened I don’t know if I can trust him anymore.
He really hurt me; he always used to stand up for me and say something if people were bigots (and believe me, it happens a lot more than you’d expect). So when his own partner did it and he left me hanging I was shocked. She did a few things which I kind of let her get away with because I figured it was ignorance (and hey, we all say and do stupid things sometimes) but when she personally attacked me I wasn’t going to stand for it; and was pretty upset when he stood up for the slurs she called me.
For me it is so confronting, because I don’t feel defined by my sexuality; I’m so much more than that and it is such a small part of my life. I don’t run around wearing a rainbow flag and throwing glitter at people, I just sit at home with my fiancee and the cat drinking tea and we go to work and university and have a regular life like everyone else. So when someone is homophobic it always kind of hits me because it is part of me like my race or gender. It seems absurd to me to make it an issue, I think she was being very small-minded.
March 24, 2014 at 9:44 pm #435874
When it comes down to it there is no excuse for the way he has behaved. There is no excuse for her bigotry and personal attack on you. If I was in your situation I would tell myself I’d not forgive him and try and move on. However I am a very kind natured and forgiving person (sometimes to my detriment) and would probably end up forgiving him when he really needed me (assuming he was very sorry also). You also sound like the kind of person who loves and forgives people easily. I would advise trying to distance yourself. However let him know how you feel and advise him that he may be sorry he treated you this way when/if things fall apart.March 26, 2014 at 7:50 pm #436073
Yeah, I think we’re very similar in that way Autumn Snow, thank you for replying to my rant. It feels good to just talk about it with someone else. It is one of those situations that feels like there is no right answer and can be a bit overwhelming and stressful.March 27, 2014 at 4:06 pm #436144
No problems sweetheart. I wish you luck with the whole thing. I hope there is some sort of resolution to the situation. There is nothing worse than other peoples decisions and behaviour affecting your own happiness in ways you cannot control.April 2, 2014 at 2:58 pm #436516
So do I, I think I’ll always worry about him, he was a close friend. But I think in the meantime, the best thing to do is to not let it bother me.April 8, 2014 at 12:05 pm #437124
I know this sounds harsh, but you have to see it from his perspective/situation.
The girl (she is not worthy of being called a woman) he is in love with and expecting a child with would have to become his top priority. She is clearly manipulative, unpleasant and has some seriously warped ideas about what relationships and family are supposed to be like.
(“If you love me you won’t need anyone else”. and “You need to protect me because I’m weak and incapable fo being a whole person without you.” “A family is always together, all the time.”)
In short – he is trapped. He loves her or at least is too blinded to see through her and her games and is bound to her by a child for the rest of his life even if he does one day see through her and break up with her.
So though there is absolutely no excuse to have his partner act that way towards you, I can see why he didn’t stand up for you.
I think you are doing the right thing – removing yourself from the situation and you were honest about how he is being treated/used. Hopefully he will remember – when it inevitably all falls apart – that you were right and always there for him.
So stay away but try to keep tabs on him to see how he is going once and awile and make sure he is ok.
At the end of the day he made his choices. There is no reasons you should have to be the one to suffer the consequences.
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