Mum wants it all

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 9 months ago.

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    Hi there knotties,
    I’m recently engaged and FH and I are getting married in January 2015. I just wanted to get a bit of feedback on a dillemma with my mum and family. She keeps getting really annoyed whenever I say I did something or planned something with my FH’s family. I try to involve her but she isn’t interested anyway and hasn’t really tried to help other than basically telling me my ideas are bad. FH’s family is giving us a little money to contribute towards the wedding, his brother is one of his groomsmen and his brother’s fiance is one of my bridesmaids. This bridesmaid has been really helpful even though she is nearly 4 months pregnant and very busy. My sister who is MOH has virtually done nothing, or offered any assistance. My family is not contributing any money (and we are ok with that) but I find it a bit affronting to know that they want me to cater my decisions around them, even though they aren’t helping me in anyway. They have no issues with my FH and never have and  I don’t know what to do or why they aren’t even offering any help at all. Any words of advice? 



    One of the biggest causes of arguments and bqd feelings when it comes to wedding planning is the discrepancy for each person about what is expected of them, and what isn’t; it can become a huge issue where people feel like others are giving too little or too much help (or the wrong kind of help). It’s really important that you talk to your bridal party and family about what you are expecting from them, and what they feel they can deliver.
    Some bridesmaids will be able to invest a lot of time and energy, while others don’t want to or cant; getting angry about it won’t help, you need to confront the issue. If you feel your sister isn’t working out as a maid of honour or you have different expectations,  you need to talk to her and discuss how it makes you feel. Try to come to a compromise if you can, but you could always look into “downgrading” her to a regular bridesmaid if you don’t think she’s up to the task or asking her to step down from the bridal party (obviously this is a last resort, try and sort things out first).
    As for the money issue, any money is a generous gift and shouldn’t be expected or relied on, and it shouldn’t be a strike against your family if they’re not financially able to help. As a bride you do need to delegate,  and this can mean catering to some whims of family and friends (to a certain extent) but clearly set out your limitations and stick to them. Technically family members don’t have to help you at all, it is your wedding, rather than being affronted give them opportunities to help in their own way if they wish to and try not to set expectations as they will only disappoint and upset you (if they haven’t wanted to be involved so far, it could be futile expecting them to suddenly want to give you tonnes of money and help).
    It’s worth addressing the things that have been upsetting you like the negative feedback or suggestions that aren’t very constructive,  and even saying that you would’ve liked them to contribute personally and financially and felt hurt when they didn’t. Even if it won’t change anything,  communication will help you to get it off your chest and help them to understand some of the difficulties you’ve felt and faced while planning this wedding. They may not even know what they’re doing that is upsetting you, so it’s really important to say something.

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