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Ive not asked my sister to be a bridesmaid….

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #452977

    <p>So Im looking for some support! I thought long and hard about my bridal party and decided that the only reason I would have been asking my sister was out of obligation or so as not to hurt her feelings – not because I wanted her as a bridesmaid. This is the first time in my life where I am actually putting my wants before everyone esles… so its a bit scary!</p>
    <p>I have had a hit and miss relationship with my sister, who is 4 years younger than me. The long and short of it is if I make the effort – or its suits her then there is contact. Other than that I might get the odd FB message but thats all. I moved over to Australia 3 years ago and we have spoken on the phone once since then – because I called her. She also has quite and abrupt and confrontational personality which I really struggle with – and if I am honest is not the type of energy I want around me on my wedding day.</p>
    <p>When I sent her an email (twice) telling her me and my boyfriend (now fiance) were visiting Europe and would love her to visit us from London I didnt even get a response… Whilst all my other friends (who are part of my bridal party) either joined us for part of the trip or at least made their apologies.</p>
    <p>As soon as we got engaged I contacted her to arrange a call or Skype to share our news…. but she was working and too busy to commit to a time or day… I didnt want her to find out through someone else so I sent her a picture of the ring on my finger. Her response was ‘hahahahahaha congrats I guess. Bit of a shock. But if its right good for you two. Cant believe you are marrying someone that Ive never met.”</p>
    <p>Yesterday I get an email asking when I am going to talk to her about my wedding as she wants to help plan everything with me and organise the hen night ‘like we spoke about since we were kids’… not sure where that statement came form as  I dont think Ive ever really talked about weddings in my life until I met my fiance – but perhaps its something she remembers… Im 33 now so childhood is a distant memory! I just feel like she suddenly wants to be involved – like she can just ‘check in’ as a sister when it suits.</p>
    <p>The thing is I have chosen my bridal team… which includes my 4 closest girlfirends and my sister-in-law, all of whom I am really close to – we talk weekly – if not monthly. And its not like they all live here – 3 of my bridesmaids live in the UK and one the ooposite side of Oz! We make time and work around our timezones to talk… and as such they have either met or Skyped with my finace regularly over the past 2 years… so he is by no means a stranger to them. He has never spoken to my sister!</p>
    <p>The things is now that she is showing an interest I am starting to feel guilty for not including her. My fiance says I should stick to my initial decision – as it was a sound one… if she was that interested in my life she would have been making an effort for the last 3 years.</p>
    <p>On top of this I had my parents tell me they cannot commit to being at my wedding (which is 18 months away) because they are unsure what their ‘financial postion’ will be. I was gobsmacked to say the least… heart broken too. Its not like I am asking them to fly to Australia either – we have decided to have it in Thailand so that people travelling from the UK dont have such a long flight time and airfares and accomodation will be cheaper… *sigh*</p>
    <p>Anyway – some love/support/words of encouragement from any brides-to-be or brides-that-have-been-there would be most welcome at this point :(</p>

    #453046

    JessicaFay
    Member

    <p>I wish I could offer advice as someone who has been/is in the same position as you, but I get on quite well with both of my sisters (one is 2 years younger than me, the other 13 years younger) and have asked both to be in my bridal party.</p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>I can, however, offer advice as who has observed a similar situation from the outside. A close friend of mine is from Belgium but has lived in Australia since she was 18. She is now married to an Australian man. She has an older sister whom she is not close to – the situation was actually very much the same as yours, they were close when it suited her sister. So, when my friend got engaged she made the decision to not ask her sister to be a bridesmaid. After a month or so, the guilt started to eat her up and she changed her mind. She says that asking her sister to be a bridesmaid was the worst decision she made because she ruined the experience for her.</p>
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    <p>I think that if your first reaction was to not ask your sister, then this is the right decision for you. She has had ample opportunity to be close with you and to meet your fiance, but she has decided that she is too busy or it’s too hard. There is nothing you can do to change this – she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it. You sound like you have picked some great and supportive women to be in your bridal party, and you don’t need her confrontational attitude bringing you all down. If you want, you could ask her to do a reading or be involved in the wedding in another way that doesn’t have her on top of you. As for the email she sent you about discussing the wedding, I would jsut respond with my thanks for her generous offer but fiance and I have it all under control (and ask her to do the reading if this is what you have decided you would like her to do).</p>
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    <p>Good luck with it all xx</p>

    #454326

    HappyG
    Member

    <p>JessicaFay pretty much answered it for me :P</p>
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    <p> I think you’ve made the right decision, it sounds like you’re really happy with your bridal party choices, and that they’ll really be there for you if you need it (and you may not be able to count on your estranged sister). It sounds like she was pretty passive aggressive at the engagement announcement (in the end, she was the one who decided not to meet him in all this time), and her attitude gives me a bad vibe.</p>
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    <p>She may respond negatively if she has a reactive personality,  however it is your wedding and I think you should stand firm on your wishes. Even if she isn’t in the bridal party, she could contribute in another way, such as a reading or just anything small that won’t be missed if she doesn’t follow through.</p>
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    <p>I’m so sorry to hear about your parents,  and my fingers are crossed for you that they can make it!</p>
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    #454537

    <p>Ladies – Thanks so much for your virtual ‘shoulder’ and advice. It was warmly received.</p>
    <p>I actually replied to my sisters email explaining that most of the wedding organisation is being managed by the venue in Thailand and telling her about the Save the Dates and she hasnt even bothered to reply – that was 10 days ago… so you are both absolutely right and I will be sticking to my guns!</p>
    <p>I hadnt realised how much weddings bring out peoples true colours… good and bad!</p>
    <p>As much as its been incredibly confronting to have such disappointing responses from my sister and parents, on the flip side its wonderful to have a beatiful group of close friends who all said they would be at our wedding without hesitation. I feel blessed to have them in our lives. Im starting to realise that a family isnt always something you are born into – its something you create :)</p>
    <p>Im back to enjoying the wedding planning again. Ive booked dates in with a few bridal botiques to try on dresses, key pieces of music have been chosen and we have found the most incredible photographer in Thailand (Aidan Dockery if you want to know).</p>
    <p>We are taking a trip over to Thailand for another friends wedding when we will tie in a sneak preview of our venue in Feb. So regardless of my family we will make it the most beautiful day for those that have been ‘in’ from the word go!</p>
    <p>Thanks again – from a slightly more upbeat Bride-to-Be (eeeeek!) xxx</p>

    #467100

    HappyG
    Member

    That’s so great, you have such an awesome attitude!

    I’m truky sorry about your sister, but I totally agree that you can’t choose your family (and believe me, sometimes I wish I could) but you seem to have an awesome network of friends!

    I really hope it goes well, and I’d love to see pictures!

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