How to not invite your Mum – nicely!

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Angela Clarke 3 years, 7 months ago.

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    After a few years of having this deliberation and finally needing to make a decision.. I need a nice as possible way to not invite my mum to my wedding. The main reasons I don’t want her there is she had 4 affairs while married to my amazing dad, she is a very irresponsible drinker and acts as though she is 16, not to mention her and I have never been very close due to her poor mothering skills and recently moving to QLD (I’m in Melbourne). I do not want her at my wedding as she is not a role model to me, would be very irresponsible and embarrassing, and also become very much a motherzilla and push my dad out of the picture just for her own enjoyment. My dad and his partner, as well as my fiancé and his family aren’t fond of her. How do I nicely tell her she isn’t invited? Help!!! 



    Hi Soontobemrsdv,
    Sorry to hear about your situation :(
    I figure you have two options here:
    1. Sit down and talk to your mum about how you are feeling, and what has driven you to this decision (pretty much all the reasons you just outlined)… or
    2. Write her a letter
    The reason why I suggested writing a letter is that regardless of her attitude, she is still your mum & she is going to be upset by your decision. So depending on how she handles confrontation, a letter might be the best way for you to explain everything, without being interupted half way through because of arguing.
    I can understand why you have made this decision, I won’t be inviting my biological father, my DAD will be there and give me away. Family isn’t just blood, it’s the people who have been there for you, supported you through the good and bad and helped you learn about life.
    I hope this goes well for you.


    Hi STB MrsDV, I agree with JS in writing the letter. I actually know a family who were falling apart because the son and mother couldn’t get along and they actually began writing letters because of exactly what JS said, it removes the option of interrupting and then arguments escalating, and it also gave them the opportunity to address it calmly, thinking clearly, and allowing them to talk about everything they wanted. Also, at the end of the letter, please make sure you ask her to reply in letter rather than a phone call, so once again you’re eliminating the possibility of arguments spiralling out of control. Yes, she will be upset and may hold a grudge, but as long as you realize this and are prepared to deal with all the consequences after the wedding, then it’s fine. Also, is she the type of person to turn up at the wedding anyway? If you have already told her the date and location and time then be prepared that this may happen. You may want to ask those in contact with her to please not discuss the wedding with her.


    Thank you very much jsbride & EmeraldBride for your reply.. A letter sounds like a perfect option for this situation and hopefully will help resolve this. Thanks again! 


    Have you thought about assigning your Mum a minder for the day?  If you didn’t invite your mum and advised her that you didn’t want her there, and given that you say she is childish – is it all likely that she might just make the decision to go anyway?
    That way you could have her there, and she could be hustled off at the first sign of trouble.  Do you have a relative that you could trust to do the hustling if it were required?
    Not inviting your mum could really make things worse – including her drinking, and regardless of your relationship – I know I’d rather not have that on my conscience.
    Another way of making sure she behaves is telling her that you want her there only on her best behaviour.  Drinking too much and making scenes will result in her having to leave the party early. 
    You don’t need to give her a specific role for the day – I’m sure that if you weren’t that close to your own mum – so you may have someone else you’d like to delegare the Mother of the Bride stuff to.
    I am certain you have really clear reasons, but I guess I look at the bigger picture too – one day she won’t be here, and you may regret then uninviting her.
    My father won’t be at my wedding – but thankfully I didn’t have to uninvite him.  He hasn’t been part of my life for a very long time – for very good reason.  A long time ago in a different life (almost) I thought I would be marrying someone else, and very arrogantly told my mother that regardless I’d have my father give me away.
    She of course said that in that case she wouldn’t be coming.  Thankfully I never had to make the choice (I didn’t end up marrying the plonker) and it took me a few years to realise that me being so pigheaded (and I’m not in any way suggesting you are – please don’t think that) was the very worst thing I could do to my mother – and her and I aren’t really that close either.
    My father had done absolutely nothing to earn the honour of walking me down the aisle – he’d pretty much made it plain to me my whole life that I was a disappointment to him, and in his own manipulative way – trapped me in to thinking that I needed his approval before I could live my life.  I walked away from him many years ago and there has been zero communication since. 
    I’m guessing you and your mum are still in touch and she knows you are about to be gettin’ wed.
    Even just include her for your ceremony – I know I have no idea as to the extent of your relationship (or lack of) with your mum but do you really want to look back on your wedding day and wish you’d asked her?


    Perhaps you could make it sound like you’re keeping it as a low key affair and plan to go up and see her at some other point and do your own celebration with her? That might make her feel special that you would do something separate with her and solves so many of the other problems.

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