How to ask BM to not be BM anymore??

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 5 months ago.

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    <p>Hi Knotties,</p>
    <p>I have been engaged since June last year. Due to lack of funds, we are having quite a long engagment (wedding booked for 10th October 2015!). I never really asked my twin sister to be my BM. It was just an assumption that I made that she would be there for me anyway (we also currently live together which makes it easy). I asked one of my good friends to be my other BM. This was possibly 6 months after getting engaged (probably slightly premature- I got caught up in the moment). Now this BM has been as helpful as could be expected considering our wedding isn’t until next year. She has even gone to a bridal expo with me when I asked her if she would like to come.</p>
    <p>This BM has a particularly strong mind and is quite happy to let you know all of her opinions. However, our ideas about my the wedding don’t really mesh. She has a certain style that I’m not really interested in putting into my wedding. Which is fine.</p>
    <p>For the last 2 months, I have probably seen her twice. There was a point about two months ago where she really annoyed me (her strong mind came into play) so I haven’t wanted to see her. But I did make an effort a few weeks back to catch up. I emailed her to organise a lunch date around 12.30pm the next day. She replies that she is busy at that time so can’t make it. She didn’t even attempt to suggest another time. I then suggested another time and we caught up. It was great chatting with her but I’m just not feeling her as a BM anymore. I also feel like I have to make an extra effort with her and I really didn’t want that for my wedding. I was going for ‘stress-free’. I feel like if I have her as a BM I’m not going to get that. She kind of brings with her a bit of drama (she is currently on anti-depressants) which I didn’t even think of when I asked her.</p>
    <p>On another note, FH is only having one GM. Not that this really matters (as I have seen odd bridal parties work really well), but I tend to be slightly OCD so the thought of having one GM and two BM doesn’t sit very well. When I asked her to be my BM, FH hadn’t picked any GM at all. Looking back, I would have waited a little longer to ask her (if at all).</p>
    <p>Is it unreasonable to ask her (very politely) to step down? I want to do the right thing and not upset her, but I also want to have a wedding where I don’t have to tip-toe around issues so as not to hurt her feelings. I also want to do what’s right for us.</p>
    <p>Thanks for any comments.</p>
    <p> </p>



    <p>To be honest, it seems like you’re clutching at straws to remove her from the wedding party, and my advice would be to weight up the pros and cons. Would you be comfortable with losing a friendship over this? All the issues you’ve discussed are a symptom of not being open with your bridesmaids about your expectations, and as a result you each have different standards about what is required within the time-frame you’ve set until the wedding date.</p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>The issues you’ve described are all totally fixable, there’s no point stressing about it, you just need to be open to one another’s ideas and communicate more regularly. Everyone has different standards for themselves and others, so don’t get upset if you don’t agree on some things. As for issues like the meeting times, I don’t think it is reasonable to make plans for the next day and expect her to be available, you did end up meeting and had a pleasant time, in future this can be remedied by planning further ahead and giving her more time to schedule you in.</p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>In this case, I don’t think you’ve made the necessary efforts to rectify the situation,  so I do feel it is unreasonable to ask her to step down.</p>


    <p>Thanks for the reply.<br />I guess I kind of am clutching at straws to come up with a reason why I’m thinking of not having her as a BM anymore. If I’m being really honest, I’m not sure there is a reason. It’s more of a feeling.</p>
    <p>It’s likely that I jumped the gun when I asked her and I probably should have waited until I was sure. But at the time I felt that I was. Now I’m not sure and I’m having second thoughts.</p>
    <p>If I’m not comfortable with the idea of having her as a BM anymore shouldn’t I just be honest and tell her that’s what I’m thinking? Rather than leaving her in the bridal party and not being comfortable during the lead up, and day of, the wedding? I know that I still want her to be involved, just probably not as a BM.</p>



    I think you’re right, and it’s really mature of you to be able to admit it.

    In the wedding excitement, we often “jump the gun” and make rushed decisions, personally I regret my MOH because she’s turned out to be a control freak who is ruining our wedding planning bliss (now it’s just stressful and we have to tip-toe around her and avoid the subject).

    Unfortunately you have two options, and neither of them will make you happy. If you ask her to step down she will be very hurt, and she’ll have valid reason to be because she didn’t do anything wrong; but if you keep her on it will be in the back of your mind that you don’t really want her there.

    In my opinion, I think it is better to keep her, but you need to make efforts to communicate and learn to like her. You never know, this could really strengthen your friendship and bring you closer together, and you could end up with an amazingly close friend that you didn’t know you had; but you have to be willing to put aside those preconceptions and give it a red-hot go.

    It will be tough, and you’ll have days where you’ll feel like it isn’t worth the trouble, but if it means preventing a bridal party rift and losing a friend, it’s a lot easier to just go and grab a coffee with someone you don’t love to be with.

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