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Horror Maid of Honour

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #445255

    HappyG
    Member

    We’ve all year of the classic “Bridezilla”, but what about a “Bridesmaidzilla”? What do you do when helpful ideas go a little out of control?
     
    My best friend is my MOH, I love her to pieces, she has a big beautiful personality, she’s confident and she says it like it is; I wouldn’t change her for the world and she was the first person I thought of when I got engaged to my wonderful fiancée. The only problem is that we seem to have very different ideas about how I should get married and she’s not one who will take “no” for an answer.
     
    My fiancée and I are quiet, romantic geeks and we want or wedding to reflect that. We want a non-religious ceremony,  preferably in the gardens of a nice manor (and we’re hoping to find a venue that will combine the reception indoors); overall we want this to be a small, relaxed, romantic affair with little personal touches. Even our colour pallette is soft with blush pink, ivory and silver/grey; sticking to flowing fabrics like chiffon, and pearls instead of diamonties. We’re also both women and we both want to wear dresses, my fiancée wants to wear ivory and I’d like a light blush dress (which my MOH already said it was a stupid idea and would stop it looking like a real wedding).
     
    My MOH on the other hand wants us to wear stark white dresses, get married at the top of a skyscraper (my fiancée is deathly afraid of heights and would faint), wants bright colours such as hot pink, mint green or coral pink, and wants form-fitting dresses that will show off her curves and covered in bling (my grandma will be there so I don’t want cleavage or revealing dresses).
     
    I’ve tried talking to her, both with gentle suggestions and just outright saying “no, sorry that doesn’t work for us” and sighting what I think are pretty valid reasons (like my fiancée being afraid of heights), but at best she’ll just wait a little and bring up the same suggestions again and insist that they’re perfect for us and the best thing. We don’t want a flashy, showy, dramatic or bling wedding (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just isn’t what we want for ourselves), and I want to be able to wear a wedding dress that reflects me without criticism.
     
    My fiancée and I have talked about it at length but haven’t had any ideas, we both greatly value her input, but her suggestions are better suited to her own wedding than ours. What should we do?

    #445342

    JessicaFay
    Member

    Wow. At first I thought I could relate to you a little – I have asked all 3 of my fiance’s sisters to be bridesmaids and 1 of them goes a little crazy with ideas – but when I read your whole post, your MOH has blown her out of the ballpark!
     
    It really does sound as if your MOH is vicariously planning her own wedding through you. As harsh as it sounds, I think the best way to stop this behaviour is to simply stop discussing wedding plans with her altogether. Don’t bring up anything that she doesn’t need to know or have input on. If she brings the wedding up, start by doing what you already have been – politely telling her that the idea isn’t ‘you’ and that you are taking a different direction. If she pushes, tell her that you don’t want to discuss it anymore and change the subject. If she continues to push, either hang up the phone or get up and walk away. She should quickly learn that is she is overstepping the boundaries.
     
    As for the bridesmaids dresses (because this is something that she probably does need to be involved in), have you decided on a colour yet? If so, you need to make it clear to your MOH that this is the colour you have selected and that is that. If not, perhaps you could look into shades of green that could work with the rest of your colour scheme (to take at least part of her suggestion on). Are you having all the bridesmaids wear the same dress or are you letting them choose their own? If you are worried about your MOH turning up in some form fitting, cleavage exposing number it might actually be safest to have them all dressed the same (then the other girls can outvote her on the revealing nature of the dresses). I actually plan on getting my bridesmaid dresses from a website called For Her And For Him – they have some absolutely gorgeous dresses and you can get each girl a slightly different style (that flatters them) in the same fabric and colour. Perhaps she would find something she likes there?
     
    I also just wanted to say that I think your wedding sounds lovely. The colour scheme is beautiful and it sounds incredibly romantic. Congratulations to you both and I hope you work out a solution in regards to your MOH!

    #445419

    HappyG
    Member

    I tried not talking about it, bringing it up and even avoiding the subject of “weddings” altogether, unfortunately my MOH is the one who keeps insisting we talk about it and won’t back down no matter how hard I try to change the subject I have to grin and bear it.
     
    My fiancée and I have fallen in love with an a-line dress at a store nearby (were totally happy to negotiate the style and cut depending on our bridesmaids’ preferences though; plus fit, if it flatters their figures etc. will come into play. But the mandatories are chiffon,  floor length and a-line so there’s consistency and no cold legs for our winter wedding) and at the moment we’re thinking either a muted pink or grey for the colour, something that will suit our dresses without looking “matchy” (we will also have some bridesmen and we need to consider their suits). My MOH knows all of this, but every dress she shows me is hot pink, bright mint green or coral, has LOADS of cleavage (usually really low-cut sweetheart necklines) with the entire bodice covered in bling crystals. I try to meet her halfway (like “oh I kind of like the skirt on that one, maybe in pink, possibly without the swarovski crystals?”) and she grimaces and gives me a death stare.
     
    My fiancée and I wanted this color scheme from the start, and although we’ll be choosing shades that flatter each BMs skintone, we really don’t want to stray from it too much (I feel like I’m not being flexible but it was one of our earliest decisions and all our planning has been based around it, we’re always drawn to it).
     
    At the moment we’re thinking all of the bridesmaids should wear the same, but we’re open to having different necklines to suit each person if the girls would prefer (my fiancée’s MOH is her sister and is pretty much happy with whatever so there’s no drama there, and both her MOH and my MOH are slim so we don’t have to worry too much about different styles). However I doubt any dress I like we’ll make my MOH happy (she said an a-line will look like a potato sack and she needed to show off her curves and look fabulous). My MOH will whinge, whine and complain if I make her wear a dress she doesn’t love (she was awful to deal with when she had to dress up for her cousin’s wedding and she was just a guest, she complained about everything! The ceremony, the food, the groom, the family,  giving gifts… You name it! I should’ve seen it as a warning sign).
     
    I’m at a bit of a loss, I love her as my friend, but I don’t know how to tell her that she can’t have it her way all the time without upsetting her.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    #445550

    JessicaFay
    Member

    Hmm, it really does sound as if you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Whilst I understand that you don’t want to upset your MOH, it kind of sounds like she is upsetting you and making things harder than they need to be. I know it sounds harsh, but you might have to tell her that this are colour (or colours) you have chosen and this is the dress (or dresses) you have chosen – if she is unable to deal with this for one day to make you happy, then she needs to tell you now and step down from her position. Tell her that you’ll be disappointed but will accept it if she would rather attend as a guest. Hopefully the little guilt trip is enough to make her step back and take a look at her behaviour.
     
    I don’t think you are being inflexible at all – I know of brides who have chosen a dress that they love and not taken their bridesmaids into consideration at all. This has led to bigger girls looking quite frumpy (and highly embarrassed) because the dress was better suited on someone who is stick thin and petite girls drowing in a dress that was made for someone with curves. As a bridesmaid, I think you can expect to be told what colour you need to wear (at the very least) and, more often than not, the exact dress.
     
    I think you might be right about the grin and bear it comment you made in regards to her continuously bringing up the wedding (and trying to plan it how she wants it). You could say “that’s a great idea, but I don’t think its me – you should file it away for your wedding!” Perhaps showing interest in her future wedding (whenever it may be) will get her to lay off trying to take over your plans a little?

    #445625

    HappyG
    Member

    Haha, it’s funny, I actually did say that about her using it for her own wedding; unfortunately it just got her talking about weddings even more.  I feel guilty for being upset about this whole situation, but it’s stressing me out (especially as she hasn’t been a great friend lately and had been a bit self centred – while other issue I know, but it all kind of links together and makes wedding talk even less comfortable).
     
    My fiancée and I are low-drama, quiet and content; so this was kind of a curve ball for us (we sort of expected it from her mum so we kept her or of it); we both trusted my MOH and didn’t expect her to become so critical and controlling.
     
    My fiance is particularly upset that she won’t let go of the skyscraper idea (there’s a skyscraper here which is the tallest in the southern hemisphere, it has a glass viewing box that extends from the top floor, and that’s where my MOH thinks we should marry), my MOH won’t stop insisting, saying we should visit, give it a go, wants me to go with her so I’ll convince my fiancée how “amazing” it is. My fiancée almost threw up just thinking about it (EEK!). I would go with my MOH for the fun of it as friends, but not with the idea of it being a possible altar.
     
    I’ve also said that we’ve decided on the colours and finalised them, she knew from when I asked her to be my MOH, but keeps making suggestions that look more like prom dresses. She wants it her way, she wants a fitted blingy dress that catches the eye of guys (we want classic pearls and winter-appropriate dresses that flatter everyone in our wedding party).
     
     
     

    #445847

    Cas M
    Member

    sound like your MOH kind of wishes she was the one getting married… 
    its good you and your fiancee have some solid ideas of what you want! I cant give you much advice on how to deal with your MOH but i will say that at the end of the day its YOUR wedding and you should have the wedding you want not someone elses. If she really is your friend she’ll understand the choices you make and be happy for you on the day

    #446177

    HappyG
    Member

    I feel bad for saying it, but I kind of agree, she’s practically planning her own wedding and doesn’t seem to care what we’d like at all.
     
    If the tables were turned and I were her BM, I wouldn’t care if she put me in a bright orange, crystal covered, tight fitting dress if it made her happy (even though I’m plus-sized and it wouldn’t suit me haha); and I wouldn’t try to take over her planning, so I’m a bit miffed that she’s being so stubborn and unreasonable.
     
    I’ll totally be there for every diamanté and ruffle she wants for her wedding, but she really needs to do the same for me (I don’t even really need her help with planning, I just want my best friend up there with me and have no real expectations). I just wish she could understand how frustrating this situation is for my fiancée and I (but she’s the kind of person who will react badly and become indignant, she doesn’t really take criticism well).
     
     
     

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