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Help(!!) with Maid of Honour

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Bec2013 3 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #421331

    **k**
    Member

    My Maid of Honour (and my closest friend) is my biggest concern at the moment. She has been such a huge let-down so far and I’m asking whether I should let her go, or just keep going with things in hope they get better??? (My wedding is in mid 2015). She is not very interested in helping me plan at all – and thinks coming with me to 3 Bridal Fairs (that she’s not even interested in) is pushing her duties. My fiancé and I just celebrated our engagement in Adelaide (we live in Sydney), in which my other 2 bridesmaids were able to fly in (one lives in Brisbane, the other in Sydney as well) and they arrived on time for the meet’n’greet breakfast/girly day I had planned weeks in advance. I kept asking her if she needed help booking/planning, that she didn’t have to come if it was too hard or financially too much, but she kept insisting that she’d be there.. She bought the flights 1 week before, and being school holidays at the time, of course there was only 1 flight available that arrived in the early afternoon – which ruined my plans of the bridal party meeting before the party. (And this was after I asked and reminded her many times well before the date – and even wanting to book the flights for her!) I know she has current family issues, and she has even said to me “You’re not my number 1 priority”, but I am constantly feeling more and more disappointed at her lack of help/support and the feeling of walking on eggshells around her. What should I do?!? Keep her as my Maid of Honour, demote her to a bridesmaid, or cut her out of my bridal party altogether?!? (Constructive comments/feedback most welcome!) Thank you in advance!

    #421381

    Kittikats
    Member

    **k**
     
    I’m going to have to side with your maid of honour on this one.
    Your event is over a year away (2 if getting married in spring/summer).
     
    Try and see things from her perspective:
    Event not for 2 years
    Has family stuff going on
    Has you upset at her for “ruining” the weekend when she showed up for the party with all her own drama going on.
    You are going on and on about wedding stuff constantly (as evidenced by the way you talk about your engagement party).
     
    You and I know that you need to start researching things now and booking them in a year in advance. But she doesn’t, especially if you are the first one in the group to get married.
    And I know that you are very excited about the whole wedding process, the getting asked, the starting to map out your dream day. But realistically not everyone is going to be as excited about your big day as you are. Especially if they are single/having drama happening.
     
    Wait a little while to see if things settle down for her and talk to her about your feelings. How you feel that she, with all that drama, doesn’t seem to enthusiastic about being a part of your wedding and is there anything you can do to help her? (Support her, listen to here, make her just a bridesmaid instead of MOH)
     
    You shouldn’t feel like walking on eggshells constantly, however, other peoples worlds don’t stop when you become a bride.
     
    Besides if she does all the planning with you it becomes her wedding instead of yours

    #421433

    BecT86
    Member

    I personally think that the main ‘planning’ is done with you and your fiancé. You might show some pics to your friend and say ‘oh what do you think of this?’ But the bulk I think needs to be done by the couple as it’s your wedding. I wouldn’t except my BM to attend 3(!) fairs, I wouldn’t go to 3! Maybe one if there is something there in particular eg. Theres a fashion show by a designer you really want to see. But it your going to find venues and suppliers than once again this isn’t a BM duty, it’s a couple duty (well I think anyway). I have a BM whose going through a lot, both mine have kids and the only thing I ask of them was to come when trying on wedding dresses and BM dresses, put up with some wedding chatter when we have coffee and plan my hens 😀 otherwise their lives are way too busy for their weekends to be taken up with what is essentially stuff I need to do with my fiancé. I want there to be some surprises for them too on the day!

    #421439

    BecT86
    Member

    I should add that I would like them to help with things like invites, but there also things that my mum and MIL to be can help with too :-)

    #421657

    BGDino
    Member

    I agree with the PPs… It’s still a long way out to your wedding and while you are understandably excited and need to start planning, she won’t see it that way. I’ve had to keep reminding myself that while our wedding day is the most important day of our lives to my fiancé and I, other people’s lives continue :) I’m sure she’ll get more involved closer to the date, for now she has her own life to sort out.

    #422241

    Kittikats
    Member

    Hi **k**,
     
    Just as an extra note I think you really need to think “If I were the BM/MOH would this be exciting, something I can help with and reasonable to do?” before you ask something.
     
    For example:
     
    Going to a Bridal Fair with you: Reasonable. It could be fun and she might spot some things that would work with your style / personality.
     
    Going to 3 Bridal Fairs with you: Unreasonable.  She isn’t getting married and is not a wedding planner so there isn’t too much she can help you with, especially if you are just scouting for ideas / inspirtation.
     
    Helping you with decisions once you’ve narrowed down your choices, i.e What legnth gown should I put the BMs in, ankle or tea? Should we go with the string quartet or jazz band?: Reasonable. She can be the fair judge or give a voice to your other BMs and Guests.
     
    Helping you plan the entire thing, coming up with ideas and concepts and bringing it to life: Unreasonable. The wedding is supposed to be an expression of you and your grooms relationship. Not only that but it is a day you and your fiance need to figure out as far as style/size/budget before you can really look at planning.  If you have her getting too involved the following things will happen:
    It becomes her wedding, not yours
    She doesn’t know what you and your fiance want / are capable of having and can plan things totally wrong  (i.e huge event for 350 people when you can only afford a cocktail reception for 80.)
     
    So my advice is to work things out with your fiance first to see where you stand in regards to size/style/budget and come up with a joint vision.
    Once you have that you can ask her for more concrete help for the things you’ve narrowed down. (i.e What shade of blue do you think we should go with? Should we go this band/dj or this band/dj? Do you prefer blue dresses with silver sashes/trim or silver dresses with blue sashes/trim?)
     
    At the end of the day it is Your Wedding to Your Fiance.

    #422745

    CGrace
    Member

    I also agree with the other posters. The only ‘responsibility’ your bridal party have is to turn up, on time, the day of your wedding sober and in the predetermined dress. Everything else is a bonus.
    Where did you get the idea your bridal party have to do all these extra things? You have been very misinformed, and I would suggest apologising to your MOH. 
    What you are expecting is far from reasonable. There is no need for meet and greets- especially in another city. They don’t even have to attend or plan any pre-wedding events such as engagement or bachelorette parties. They don’t need to attend fairs, write invitations, or help you plan. That is the job of you and your groom. If you need someone else to do those things you need to hire a wedding planner. 

    #422763

    Miabee
    Member

    Hi K!
     
    No one wants to lose a friend, however if her gestures as far as the preparation is concerned have been causing you worries, stress, etc, then letting go of her can be a consideration. However, still it is very important to remember that she might take it negatively and this just might ruin the warmth of your friendship.
    you are in a very tough situation, but in every problem there is a solution. If i were in your position, i will start delegating maidofhonour duties to 2 or 3 other friends (women love to help out women, it’s a girl thing). this way duties are spread out to 2 or 3 people thus each duty will come light and easy. and try to communicate accordingly with the maid of honour that you’re doing this for the best purpose.
     
    don’t let your current situation define the friendship you have with her. but please do not let the current situation define your wedding too. less stress for you makes your groom happy, remember whatever hurts you, can hurt him too. 
     
    wishing you all the best!!
     
     
     

    #422965

    Bec2013
    Member

    I agree with the other girls, sorry.I would not, in a million years, ask my bridesmaids to fly somewhere for an engagement party. I think that is really over the top. If I had circumstances that required the party to be elsewhere, and they decided to come, I would be VERY greatful, no matter what time they got there. I don’t want my bridesmaids to be out of pocket at all. They are paying for half the dress, that’s it. Plus I am giving them a really nice gift.My bridesmaids came to one expo. They came dress shopping with me and we had a discussion about bridesmaid dresses which we ordered online. They will do me a hen’s night, come on the day and do a speech. That’s it. Your wedding is ages away. It’s not the biggest thing in her life right now (and won’t ever be, except on the actual day). Back off, decide what you really need help with (2-3 things, max) and be a friend first, bride second.

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