- November 18, 2013 at 6:10 pm #425924
I’ve got a bit of an interesting family history which has turned into a nightmare now I’m engaged. Summing it up, my parents abused me horribly when I was growing up and I’ve tried to cut off all contact with them. However my Grandmother thinks that the sun shines out of my parents butts and they could do no wrong. After months of trying to bully me into inviting my parents – I repeatedly said no – she has gone behind our backs and invited them herself!
I have no idea what to do. Our wedding venue is in a public park, so we can’t physically stop them from coming. We haven’t sent out the final invitations yet so we’re seriously considering spreading some disinformation so that my parents turn up at the wrong place/time. Has anyone else had to deal with this? I’m just so upset that my Grandmother still thinks me an immature person who is incapable of making adult descisions. And that she would do behind our back and invite people to OUR wedding!December 6, 2013 at 1:05 am #427227
I’m in a similar situation where I was abused by my maternal family, and my mother is especially a big risk. As a result we’re having to account for security, keeping the venue options quiet and keeping things on the downlow online. We decided that even though we shouldn’t have to worry about the past on our special day, it is better to be safe than sorry. Therefore we are looking at places that can be secured or where we can hire security where it isn’t supplied by the venue. Having some ‘bouncers’ around the venue and supplying them with a detailed guest list and photos of people who should not be allowed near the wedding is as close to foolproof as you can get. Even if it isn’t 100% guaranteed, it will serve to put your mind at ease.
As for your grandmother, if it were me I’d see it as a betrayal of trust and un-invite her, I know it sounds spiteful, but her lack of understanding could be a huge risk to you and your future family (It is the same reason I fear my father will spread the info as he was a victim of the same abuse when they were married, and is easily manipulated by my mother).
It is so hard to deal with these complex and personal issues, and it feels like other brides just can’t understand or put themselves in your shoes. You feel isolated because your challenges are greater than theirs, you not only have to worry about colours, dresses, themes and budgets etc. but also being at great risk, trying to protect yourself, your loved ones and your future. Being victimised is so hard, because you can be safe and in control for so long, but any event that puts you out there or publicises you puts you at risk all over again.
My advice: try not to dwell on the past, it will feel overwhelming. Take all the steps you can to be safe and feel secure in the knowledge that you’re doing everything you can. Don’t hide how you feel, seek comfort in your life partner, share your fears and emotions. Accept their support and love. Then get caught up in the magic and enjoy the journey to married bliss.
December 23, 2013 at 8:29 pm #428829
I tried to talk to my grandmother the other week, spelling out in simple terms that this was me and FH’s wedding. As such, we would make descisions on food, clothing and most importantly, who was invited. No-one else but us have any say in anything – they can advise us all they want, but ultimately the descision is ours. My grandmother then responded saying that she was allowed to invite people to our wedding. I obviously objected to that before she trotted out a golden line: my father (her son and the main instigator of abuse) had a right to be there and I couldn’t say that he couldn’t come to his own daughter’s wedding. Again I objected only to have her say that if I didn’t invite my father and let him walk me down the aisle as was his ‘right’, then it would cause problems between my grandmother and father.I was so enraged I almost couldn’t speak. My father treats her like dirt, so the only problems that would arise would be ones already there. All I could think to say was that if my inviting her and not my father would cause problems, then maybe it would be better if she didn’t come to the wedding.After that she ignored me for about 20 mins and then started chattering about celebrities and what her friends were doing. I honestly get the impression that she completely dismissed everything I said and that we’ll be having this argument again.If I could just outright un-invite her I would, but I love my grandfather dearly, who is totally different from my grandmother, and I’ve asked him to walk me down the aisle.Speaking to my FH about it we’ve decided to put the wrong information on my grandparent’s invitations when we send them out. That way they will tell my parents the wrong time/venue, but since my grandparents are coming in with us, then they will still get to the ceremony. And it means that I no longer need to care when my grandmother does give my parents the information, as well as giving me an excuse to let rip – after the wedding – when she questions the incorrect information.December 27, 2013 at 2:53 pm #428842
I know the feeling, mother’s day is especially hard for me as many people assume that forgiving the abuse means you should let someone dangerous back into your life. What people don’t realise is that forgiveness is about relinquishing the control they have on you by letting go; not inviting them repeat the same pattern of abuse. Many people feel that a parent is entitled to contact, but unless they have been in a situation where someone that they should have been able to trust, and should have unconditionally loved them turns on them, they simply cannot fathom it.
Being linked biologically doesn’t give someone who victimised you the right to attend a celebration of your life with another person; in the same way that you wouldn’t invite someone who raped you or robbed your house, you wouldn’t invite a reative that was abusive towards you.
Your grandmother comes from a time that it was ok to be victimised, cheated on and betrayed; in her lifetime she would’ve been expected to just ‘suck it up’ and continue as normal. In essence, she won’t show that she’s hurting or be compassionate of your needs. These days people are more aware of the lasting effects of trauma, and the cycle that it creates if left untreated, and how important it is to recognise it, seek treatment and work through it; convincing your grandmother is not a battle you should have leading up to your wedding.
I can understand your dilemma, and the best advice I can give is to stay safe by any means. Having your parents there, and in close proximity (especially walking you down the aisle) could put you at great risk. Depending on the type of abuse etc. and the type of people they are it could ruin your special moment. The highest incidences of severe retalliation are directly after getting away or getting back in contact, it is a time when many abuse victims are badly harmed or even killed. Statistics don’t lie, so it isn’t worth the risk. In my case, my mother would attempt to take my life without question; though for you it may not be so dire, no matter the circumstances, put your safety over a tiff with grandma any day.
January 9, 2014 at 6:26 pm #429460
I think Alyssa, It is your special time. If you feel the some people may cause problems do not invite her but do not exclude the others. If they ask why you not invited simpely reply. Because you are a crazy bit€h and I don’t want you ruining my wedding.
Design it Jewels
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