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Father Issues :(

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  BMGI 3 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #350219

    Ch88
    Member

    Hi everyone!
    I was hoping to get some third party opinions. I recently got engaged and before I had even begun planning the wedding, I ran into some issues with my father that have completely spun out of control. A bit of background; my parents divorced about 5 years ago (I thought quite amicably). My father has since gotten engaged and has a new family.
    My father has always been controlling and manipulative since my parents divorced, i seem to have become his new favorite to bully. When talking about the wedding, he said he wanted me to invite some family members on his side that I have not seen since primary school! I said no, I wanted a more intimate affair with just my FH’s and my closest friends and family. This is the first time I have ever stood up to him in my life and it led to an argument which turned out was just the beginning. He then informed me he would not be coming to our engagement party because he didn’t want to see my mum’s family.
    Afew a few days, I plucked up my courage I told him (at a meeting he organised with me and my brother, FH was not allowed) that I was offended and very hurt by his not putting aside his pride to come to my engagement. He said he was offended his family was not going to be invited and my mum’s side would be (I see them often). When my brother defended me, he yelled at us then said to “have a nice life” and left. I have not had any contact with him for a few weeks now, and have taken him off my wedding guest list .
    He has talked to my brother and has told him that he hates my mum’s family and they were horrible to him (a lie, it was in fact the other way around). He also told stories about my mum, trying to get us to hate her. He then said he was offended I did not  ask him for money for the wedding (he has said numerous times he is broke, and since we can afford it ourselves I did not ask). He did ask me how I was paying for it, but did not offer to help at all.
    My FH understands and also does not think he should be invited. I have been very depressed and stressed over this, and it has put a damper on a time which should be the happiest of my life so far.
    Did I do the right thing cutting him out altogether? I feel like I have, and though it shouldn’t, it still worries me what others will think of me.
    Advice and opinions would be much appreciated. Sorry for such a long post.
    Thank you xx

    #350225

    jsbride
    Member

    Hi Ch88,
     
    I am very sorry to hear about your family troubles. Honestly, from that behaviour, he does not deserve to be part of your special day. I know it is really hard, being that he is your dad. But if he thinks its ok to act like that and put you in that kind of position, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
     
    if anyone questions you, it really is your choice whether you divulge or not, but if it was I wouldn’t hold back.
     
    All the best 

    #351765

    Kittikats
    Member

    Hello.
     
    To help you out I want you to think about this:
     
    What will probably happen if you invite your father?
     
    Answer: You’d either cave into his demmands and be miserable at your own wedding (which is now his wedding or how he imagined your wedding being) and he’d know that you would do what he wanted setting your self up for future trouble.
     
    You’d stay firm and refuse to invite people you don’t know to your wedding adn he would either not show or cause a disturbance, stressing you out terribly on the day and the lead up to it.
     
    now how would you feel if you didn’t invite him?
     
    Ans: Probably guilty that your father isn’t part of your big day but a lot less stressed at what willhappen on the day.
     
    But to see things from his perspective, are there going to be many people there he knows and can talk to? (excluding your siblings and mum)
     
    Ignore what others think of your dad being absent. Most close family and friends will be in the know and most other guest would have the tact and decent not to comment or question. 

    #374761

    BMGI
    Member

    I don’t know whether it’s too late to add to this thread, but I’m not sure I agree.
    He is your father after all, and it is possible that you will regret not inviting him in years to come. I am an optimist, and think that while you may not always have a great relationship with him, it might sometimes be ok at the very least.
    I would recommend not giving into his demands, but do invite him. Then the ball is in his court.
    Either way, I am a big believer in doing things for yourself, not because others think you should. Make sure you are comfortable with any decision you make.
     
    http://www.bemyguestinvitations.com.au

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