- April 29, 2013 at 10:10 am #384999
My wedding is already stressing me out so much I haven’t been sleeping and my fiancé is ready to cancel the entire thing and elope! We’ve only been engaged a month and already we’ve changed the wedding four times! My mother has argued with us over the wedding the entire time and I’m so over it… I’m at the point where if she argues with us one more time I will elope!
We originally wanted our wedding in New Zealand with just 20 people and my mother became very upset that her parents wouldn’t be able to come (they were invited but they said no because of the snow) and she hates the snow. FI and I spent the last week discussing what to do and decided to look around Victoria and we then decided to have the 20 person wedding here. Unfortunately the only place in Victoria I like requires a minimum of 50, so I told my mother last night that we’ve decided to keep it in Victoria and only have the 50. She got upset and said is not enough, that we can’t only invite family and not include family friends and it is just rude… Once again, another argument. I ended up telling her last night that I can’t seem to make her happy, and it is my wedding and I’m not even excited about it. So I went back and talked to my fiancé last night and we came up with a solution that I thought would suit everyone… No reception! We’ve decided we will have a large ceremony, my mother can invite anyone she wants, all the family and family friends, and then we will just go out for dinner with the immediate family and bridal party at a nice restaurant nearby. I would also ask the venue to provide drinks during the hour after the ceremony so guests can still mingle and have a drink and get some photos with us before leaving. I thought we were catering to everyone…am I wrong? Because when I suggested it to my mother she still wasn’t happy…
I’m not changing my mind again. My fiancé and I have finally come up with a way to please everyone, and it is not just the wedding my mother has a problem with. She doesn’t like that I want artificial flowers in my bouquet. She believes an engagement ring shouldn’t have any non-diamonds in them. She thinks you shouldn’t get ready at the venue. She doesn’t think we should get married at the registry office then have the wedding that afternoon (I want my father to marry us, but he’s not a celebrant, so that is the easiest and cheapest way), she doesn’t like winter weddings…… Sigh. I have no idea what she’s going to say when I mention my fiancé isn’t having any attendants and that I’m having colour in my wedding dress…
Am I being too selfish here? Am I doing something wrong? I’m trying my best to please everyone, but I’m really sorry but I don’t want her wedding!!!April 29, 2013 at 12:23 pm #385161
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong and you’re in no way being selfish at all!!
To me you’re being more than accommodating, I would stand your ground and do what you and your FH want to do. Are you paying for your wedding on your own, without your parents help, if so I don’t see why you can not have what you want. You’ve already changed your original plan, stick with what you want, you don’t want to end up regretting what you did by having the wedding, weddings dress, colours etc others want.
As for your mother you may have to tell her (and this might be harsh but) this is what you intend to do and if she doesn’t like it, then simple you will elope and have the wedding you really want. This is the one time you’re allowed to be selfish, It’s taken me a few months to realise this myself as I struggled with feeling obligated/guilty about who to invite to my wedding.
Good luck and hopefully your mum will come around.April 29, 2013 at 3:09 pm #385277
Hi ExcitedBride, my dad has said he will pay for the wedding, but he hasn’t had a discussion with us as to how much or what parts, but I still don’t think that gives my mother the right to take over the guest list. I’ve tried really hard to try and come up with a solution that pleases all of us. My fiancé and I don’t want a large reception, but we are happy to have a large ceremony if it will please her. My fiancé is so stressed out he’s at the point of cancelling the wedding altogether… He never wanted a wedding, and is only having one because I want one. He would be happy with three people at the registry office, but he was willing to have the ending for me… Now we’re both over the whole thing.April 29, 2013 at 9:37 pm #385461
Families can make wedding planning stressful can’t they! Is it only your mother who is putting the pressure on? Do you think you could sit down with your dad and discuss your issues with your mother? He might be able to help you restrict your guest list by only providing certian budget? One way you could possibly compromise (again I know) with your mother is to say you will have the larger ceremony and allocate x number of guests for her to invite, you could say give her 20 people, your in laws 20 people and you and your FH 20 you could explain that this way it is fair for everyone? (Even though I think you and your FH should have more people as it is your wedding!) – I hope this may help some?!April 30, 2013 at 9:15 am #385469
Honestly, if my fiancé and I were just having the wedding with people we wanted we would have no more than 15 friends and a few family members. But my mothers rule is you can’t invite friends before family, and you can’t invite some family and not others, and you can’t invite the family without inviting the family friends…. I don’t want to have 80 guests just so I can have my half a dozen close friends at the wedding! I really just want a small dinner with the immediate family. Only 10-15 of us. And I had thought having the big ceremony would be a great compromise because that way my mother can invite all her friends to see us get married. I’m just completely over compromising for my wedding. I never thought my mother would fight me to have her way when it’s meant to my MY day…April 30, 2013 at 12:31 pm #385605
There is something about weddings that can bring out the not so good in some people…
I think you have made a great compromise, this way your mum gets to celebrate with all the family, friends and whoever else, but you also get the intimate feel you both want. If it was me I wouldn’t be compromising any further, otherwise it won’t be your day anymore.
Maybe I have become a Bridezilla, I don’t know, but there has been a few times that I have shut up and said nothing, gone along with parents/in-laws and it has turned out terrible, I was unhappy and so was my partner.
For example, our engagement party, I had this gut feeling that a couple members of his family wouldn’t want to be there (we have come to the conclusion that they are jealous because their relationships haven’t gone how they hoped) but I didn’t want to say that I didn’t want to invite them – I felt like it would be nasty of me, so I just went along with it and in the back of my mind hoped that all would be OK. Of course, they made total d***s of themselves, made my future in-laws feel like crap, embarrassed that their family would act so childish, so stressed from trying to keep the peace, stop them from making a scene and caused massive tension between my partner and I. So now I’m going to stand strong and say unless we sit down together before the wedding and have a proper chat, they acknowledge their behaviour and apologise, they aren’t invited. Because not only am I risking not enjoying my own wedding, the stress and strain will be on my partner and his parents, plus I don’t want to make my other guests uncomfortable. (One of the biggest dramas was refusing to get in a family photo – I refuse to subject my lovely photographer to their temper tantrums). At the end of the day, if it meant enough to them to want to be invited, sitting down and talking it out wouldn’t be an issue.
Anyway, my point is – if you and your partner rock up to a wedding that you both don’t really want to be at, surrounded by people you hardly know and don’t want there, you’re not going to enjoy it – your partner sounds like he will be majorly stressed, and so will you. Most people only get one shot at this, and you guys are the ones that will remember the most about it, so you have to be happy with it. You shouldn’t have to apologise for not sharing the same views, you can acknowledge that they are different but it isn’t something to be sorry for!April 30, 2013 at 12:38 pm #385609
Your situation is really hard and I really sympathise with youApril 30, 2013 at 12:44 pm #385629
My comment got cut off!
Maybe it’s time you decide who YOU and your FH want to invite, you decide on your closest family and friends and your mother will just have to deal with it. She can’t dictate your wedding. I’m picking and choosing my family up invite as having these family members around will make my the most important people to me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want that on a day that is meant to be a happy occasion, luckily for me I have my parents support in this.
Some advice given to me by married friends, when I was struggling with guilt over picking some family over others is: people will get ther nose out of joint either way, choose who you want to surround yourself with on the most important day of your life.
Its extremely hard given your mother isn’t bein supportive but you need to be selfish, this is the time you can be.May 1, 2013 at 9:08 am #385899
I am about to cry… I sent an email yesterday to the venue I wanted to hold the ceremony at to ask if they hire out the chapel without having to have a reception. This is the only venue I can find in Victoria that I love enough to have a wedding at. I received an email this morning saying they don’t hire out the chapel on its own, it’s only available as part of the wedding package including the reception. I literally started crying then had to stop before I got to work. We’ve only been engaged a month and nothing is working out. My fiance and i are so stressed out that we’re not sleeping at night. Like I said before, he’s at the point of cancelling the wedding. I am so upset. All I’ve ever wanted is to get married at a stone chapel, and the only one in Victoria isn’t available for individual hire… I am now so numb and completely lostMay 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm #386217
Oh no that’s horrible!! Take a deep breath it will ok.
Given all the stress you’ve been through, maybe you should consider going back to your original plan. Your mother may not be inmpressed but it seems you will never be able to please her. Consider having your dream wedding in New Zealand invite the 20 closest family and friends (the people who want to be there will make the effort) to please (if possible) your mother hold a larger get together when you get back, you could show your wedding video & photographs. People will be upset but at this point I think you’ve done all you can to please everyone and they’re still not happy, now you can’t have the one place you found – all because of other people imposing their wants. I say do what you want.
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