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Family issues

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Kittikats 3 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #413519

    MR&MRS Yeo
    Member

    Hello there other brides to be! I need some help. I’m an 19 yr old female who is currently engaged, the problem is I do not know how to tell my family especially my mother and father. They do not what me getting married young… I can see were they are coming from but I am in love and won’t be getting married til 2015 so I will be turning 21. Do any of you lovelies know how to tell the parents without getting into an argument and saying things that might be hurtful? 

    #416435

    Hi rachel,
     
    If they argue with you as im sure you are aware it sounds like its out of love and concern for you as you are quite young to be so committed to someone. Congrats though :) not to say it won’t work by the way. 
     
    I think the easiest approach is to just tell them and explain that you feel mature enough for this commitment. Answer any questions they have without getting offended or raising your voice as that gives them signals to do the same. Just baby step it. Talk bout how you feel about this man you are preparing to marry and your relationship with him about how you both feel ready for it to progress (but remind them that not too quickly!!).
     
    At this time you should reflect on your reasons for saying yes and try to identify problems you have had or may have in future because your parents may wish to discuss this with you. Do you fight on a regular basis? Have you had major arguments that have seen you split for a while? Is he supportive? Is he prepared for married life and a commitment to you? Are you prepared for what married life is and commitments to him? Do you both find compremises or do you go at loggerheads? What are your plans for the future? Are they the same as his or similar? They will want to know you are well looked after and prepared for what lays ahead.
     
    Maybe to better the situation (i know you are already engaged) but send him to talk to your parents about getting engaged. It earns him bonus points with the parents even if they say no. Because it means he values their input and respects them in their eyes. Bonus bonus if they agree with him. Plus it gives you guy the idea of what sort of reception the news will recieve. 
     
    Just dont tell them by facebook, text message or phone (unless very far away) in person is best for this situation. Its more polite and shows you arent hiding behind things like the child they may still see you as instead of the adult you are.

    #416439

    BecT86
    Member

    Also have a think about the main questions they might ask such as, where are you going to live and how are you going to support each other. I met my fiancé at 16/17 and we knew one day we’d get married from the time we were 18 but waited until we where all ‘setup’ the way we wanted to be before getting engaged at 27. I know many people who were madly in love at 19 or younger and happily married and I doubt it’s the love side that your parents would be concerned about (I’m sure it’s abivous how much you care for each other).
    I’d imagine it would be more that marriage is about starting your new life as a couple separate to your families and how you plan on being able to do this when typically at that age you might be studying or there might be a lack of funds to be able to do this.

    #418405

    Kittikats
    Member

    Hello Rachael,
     
    I was in your position, I got engaged at a young age with a wedding a few years after.
     
    My family was worried about this because:
    * Being so young, what did I really know about love and commitment?
    * We weren’t the best suited couple, personality wise. In fact we were opposites which wouldn’t have been so bad if …….
    * We also did not have a great deal of things in common.
    * I wasn’t even remotely excited about wedding planning. Not the dress, not the cake or music or honeymoon… nothing
    * Also as the wedding got closer instead of getting more excited I was getting more nervous and doubted if I really loved  him.
     
    For me getting married so young was a mistake because I married the wrong person, being more swept away by their enthusiasim to start a life and family than by my own desire to do it.
     
    This time, I am with someone who I love deeply, who shares a lot of my values and interests, who makes me a better person. I can see us together through all of lifes ups and downs and he has awoken my inner bride. I am excited to plan my wedding because I know that it means I will officially be his wife and we will be bound together for the rest of our lives. And I can’t wait.
     
     
    So my advice to you is:
     
    * Really take time to figure out what marriage means to you and if you can truly be that with him for the rest of your life
    (also include laundry in marriage. The amazing and the domestically mundane are all part of it.)
     
    * Ask yourself “Why am I really getting married?” and answer honestly.
    Is it because you can see yourself with the person and all the ups and downs that may come for the rest of your life?
    Is it because you are carried away by shiney dress day?
    Is it because you are infatuated?
    Or is it because you are truly in love and know that this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?
     
     
    * Listen to any concerns your parents bring up and figure out if they are true.
    (You don’t have much in common – legitimate. You need common ground to bond over. Not everything, just some things. You are too young for this – not legitimate if you are a great match and can/have honestly deal with lifes problems together.)
     
     
    * Understand that your love will grow and change and that there are times you are going to argue. This doesn’t mean you aren’t suited, it means you both need to compromise.
     
    Be honest with yourself first and truly understand why you are getting married.
    Once you have that you can talk to your parents and tell them honestly and logically that you are getting married at that you are sure. You’ve really considered it, you and your fiance are a great match and good for each other and will support each other through thick and thin.
     
    Once they see that then they can be happy and reassured that you are making the right choice. 

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