- May 5, 2013 at 10:46 am #387105
My fiancé and I are marrying in August this year. Apologies for the length of this story, but I don’t know how to help my fiancé or what to do about these people.
Fiance has a mate that he has considered his best friend since early high school. They were inseparable as teens and my fiancé was Friend’s best man when he married some years ago. When we announced our enagagement, Fiance asked Friend to be his best man, which he accepted. However, he began to steadily ignore any communication from my fiancé over the next 6 months, refusing to go and look at suits or even just to get together and socialise. We were quite concerned about this as we were worried about him. About a month ago, he texted my fiancé to back out of the wedding, with no reason, apology or even the courtesy of a phone call, but still said he would attend as a guest. I was (and am) angry that he would do that to my fiancé, who was greatly disappointed by this, and did not even want he and his wife at the wedding, however we had sent the a Save The Date by this stage, so we were bound by etiquette to keep them on the guest list.
We are now organising invitations. Fiancé and Friend have been communicating sporadically for the last few weeks (but Friend refuses to tell him why he backed out). We asked for Friend’s address this week so we could add it to our list for invitations, but he went back to ignoring Fiancé again (we tried to contact him a few times). Yesterday, we received a phone call from his wife to tell us that they would not even be at the wedding, due to a family birthday. Fine, it is an invitation, not a summons, but a family birthday commitment on a MONDAY? Riiiiiight……
As you can imagine, my fiancé is very upset. It was so important to him that this friend be there for him, in any capacity, and the fact that he couldn’t be bothered to even call himself to tell him just shows exactly how gutless he is (his wife has him completely under her thumb, but that is a whole other story). Fiancé is hurt that their friendship evidently means so little to Friend. We tried to accommodate him as much as possible as best man, including offers to help financially or diving the duties across the groomsmen so he wouldn’t feel too pressured (his finances are tight) but for whatever reason, he wanted no part in it.
It kills me to see my fiancé so disappointed and hurt by this guy’s actions. I would love to call this Friend and his wife to tear strips off them, but it is not my place. How can I help fiancé to get past this?
May 5, 2013 at 9:45 pm #387125
Hi Angel, that is so upsetting to hear about your fiance’s friend being such a disappointment, and I find it odd that he suddenly turns around one day and wants nothing to do with your fiance, but unfortunately I know all about friends who are controlled by their spouses. My fiance also has a friend who he was inseperable with but since that friend got married a few years ago their relationship has become more distant. My fiance was not allowed to be Best Man at the friends wedding, his wife (the bride) wouldn’t allow it. Out of the 3 friends (they were a group of 4 in high school) she only allowed 1 of them to be part of the bridal party. My fiance has barely seen his friend since they married, and even less so since he started dating me. I happen to have a son from a previous relationship, and she doesn’t like kids. Naturally I don’t like dumping my kid to run to every function she holds, so after a couple times they stopped inviting me, and therefore stopped inviting him.
Unfortunately, to respond to your question, there’s nothing you can do to help him get past it. However, you can be supportive. The issues are between he and his friend and you can’t interfere in any way that will make it all better or make it hurt less. I’ve tried to encourage my fiance to see his friend more often or attempt to rebuild the friendship but he’s come to accept that sometimes when you get older some relationships dissolve or become distant. Unfortunately knowing this doesn’t make it any less either, but if he no longer sees any value in his friendship with your fiance there’s nothing you can do to change his mind. All of it is on the friend, and your fiance has done his best to keep the friendship going by asking him to be best man, trying to contact him and catch up socially. I’m not sure there’s much more your fiance can do.
Good luck!! Maybe shout your fiance a movie night or something he really enjoys? Just to show him you’re still here, always will be, and he always has your support.May 6, 2013 at 7:09 pm #387685
Thanks for your advice, emeraldbride it’s always good to get some outside perspective. I totally agree that people grow apart over time, and the situation is similar to yours in that Friend’s wife has rarely let him socialise with Fiance after they got married and even less when Fiancé and I started dating (I get the impression she was very threatened by me, for whatever reason). I think Fiancé is starting to come to terms with the fact that the friendship has been increasingly one-sided, and that Friend only ever wants to see him if he needs his assistance with stuff like house renovations, furniture moving or if he needed to get out of the house, rather than any genuine wish to hang out with him. Any time Fiancé asks something of him, he is late (if he comes at all), and Wife will usually call and demand he return home after an hour if he comes to visit. We have both calmed down a lot over the last couple of days, and have been talking a lot about the situation and appreciating that we still have plenty of other dear friends and family who will be there to celebrate with us Fiancé has no desire to speak to Friend, unless a damn good apology is forthcoming.
Appreciate you listening to my rant. All the best with your wedding!May 6, 2013 at 8:46 pm #387689
Hi Angel, I’m glad to hear things are working out (sort of). I’ve actually asked my fiance what will happen when we get married and have kids. he says I’ll never be invited over because the wife just can’t stand kids. Fiance and seen his friend once in the last 18 months, and unfortunately that’s the way it will continue. They’ll always be friends, but never as close as they used to be. I’m glad your fiance is taking it well and being understanding. Spending some time focussing on the two of you will be a good thing right now. Feel free to rant some more, there’s always someone on this forum!July 14, 2013 at 10:43 pm #405887
This sadly reminds me of a friend of my ex husbands. Lets call him Bob and the girl Jane.
Bob started dating Jane and all went well for a month or two then she dropped the bomb: “Choose between your friends and me.” Bob chose her.
Now Bob had been friends with my ex since primary school and my ex doesn’t have many friends so he was naturally devestated when Bob chose her.
They were together for 4 years and she never let us contact him or vice versa. Finally they broke up and Bob and my ex became friends again.
It sounds to me like your FH friend is in the same situation of having their partner control their social life.
It is sad that some people are so controlling or insecure that they think their relationship is in competition their partners friends and family or that the only way to keep them is to keep them away from everyone else.
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