- March 10, 2014 at 9:05 pm #434820
I came across this article today and thought it was SO good:
Basically it is about a bridezilla who showed some really bad etiquette when she claimed to be paying $200per-head and demanding cash-gifts from guests, and the response of one of her invited guests.
So, what do you think? Is it best to encourage cash-only/gift-card gifts, stick with a traditional registry or go gift-free?
We had initially decided to say no to gifts, however after our engagement we realised that many of our family and friends want to feel like they are contributing to our lives together by giving something. So we’re going to compromise by doing as much research as we can to find gifts that are functional, inexpensive and easy to buy online to reduce as much effort for our guests as possible. We’ll keep cost low and only have a few dream-items with nothing more than a few hundred dollars (I’ve seen people ask for thousands on basic table-ware like it’s totally normal! Who needs a $2000 serving dish?).
We’ll be encouraging cards and nice notes, and making it clear that gifts are optional, not expected. We’d prefer something heartfelt and personal over something worth a lot of money; if it something we’ll actually get use out of, even better!
March 11, 2014 at 9:42 am #434830
Hi Happy G,
I think that cash gifts can be encouraged and not asked for (mentioning on your website that there is a small gift registry and a wishing well to contribute to your house/honeymoon whatever).
I do agree with you though that some women, like the one in the article and this one http://gawker.com/all-the-disdain-1348853609 (the article AND comments under the one with the Cersei Lannister pics) , use weddings and babies as present milking excuses.
(From the comment section there is one owman having a baby shower, a gender reveal party and a push party – in other words three present grabbing parties for having a baby.)
You are having a wedding, and yes it will be expensive. However you are responsible for handeling the finances, not your guests and you have no right to demmand money from your family.
You can ask for contributions and figure out set amounts but at the end of the day the bulk of the costs should be yours.
And as for the gifts, be reasonable. Anything that gets given is a bouns, not a definate. Maybe some higher quality dishes or bed sheets, but how often will most of us use a sterling silver fruit bowl or bone china serving platter?
I guess I’m just asking brides to watch out for these pitfalls that others have fallen into.March 13, 2014 at 4:22 pm #435143
I personally don’t see anything wrong with asking for monetary gifts if guests would like to give you something, however, I would not put anything even suggesting gifts on the invitation. My partner and I aren’t creating a wedding website either (honestly can’t be bothered and don’t see our wedding as that big a deal – it’s not destination or anything).
We are hoping that by telling our parents, siblings and bridal party that we will be having a wishing well any guests that wish to get us a gift will find out. After all, my partner and I live together and have already got everything we need – although money would be fantastic to deck out the rumpus room that we are almost finished building (we would love a lounge suite and my partner wants a pool table). We could afford to do this ourselves, but having some of these bigger items as ‘wedding gifts’ will certainly make them feel more special.March 15, 2014 at 8:20 pm #435200
I didn’t say that there was anything wrong with suggesting or asking for a monitary gift, neither did HappyG.
What is wrong is insisting on a cash gift to “pay your own way/plate” and on having several gift giving type of parties (Engagment Annoucnement, Bridal Shower, Hens Night Sexy Stuff Shower, Pre Wedding Party) and expecting a large gift and/or cash each time.
Or only registering for very, very expensive gifts on your wedding registry.
Also as you point out it is bad form to mention gifts on the invitation. You might mention your wedding website on the invitation and have a gift registry link there, but again it is not straight up asking for gifts and money the same way the bride in HappyG’s article.
But I think we all agree that we invite people to the wedding to share this special moment with us and to have a great party. If they want to give us a gift, great, if not then we don’t mind. We didn’t invite the people because they are ATM’s or going to give us expensive gifts.
As for the registry vs cash debate:
I think it depends on you and your partner.
If you have been living together for awhile (renting or mortgage) then you probably don’t need that much around the house. You might register for a few items you could get upgraded or are just getting old (Higher quality crockery, bedsheets or super nice towels for example) But what would be more appreciated is people helping you achieve your dream of owning a home or helping you pay for your honeymoon.
If you are living seperately and haven’t really set up a house of your own yet (renting a room/appartment with friends) then there will be double ups and gaps that will need to be filled (queen or double bedding or your own plates and glasses, cookware etc) So it would probably be more practical to ask for objects instead of money.March 16, 2014 at 1:35 pm #435204
I think it can be difficult to find a good balance. We came into it assuming that people would think a wedding would be an opportunity to get gifts and it would leave a bad taste in their mouth; so we made a point of saying no gifts were necessary, but people went out of their way to call and message us asking about what we’d like/need or if there were any big milestones coming up. We didn’t want to encourage people to spend on us, so we just said that we were planning to move in together after the engagement and left it to people to decide if that was relevant (that way they could buy a $2 spatula from KMart without guilt if they wanted to), but it turned out that being vague meant that people were confused, some over-thought it, some stressed, and some got gift cards because they couldn’t think of what to do. We learnt that it is best to be clear and provide more detailed answers.
I recently went to the engagement of someone who is pretty much doing it for the attention and the presents and it was really awkward. I feel bad saying this, but I kind of judged her for it. Long story short, she pretty much got pregnant after a few weeks with my friend so he’d have to marry her (bit creepy, now she won’t let him out of her sight and says he has to “protect” her because she’s pregant – weird right?) so now they’re doing double the money grabs with every celebration they can fit in to get the gifts. I played along and splashed out on a nice gift, nice outfit for the day and smiled; but it felt horrible seeing that she didn’t cater the guests at all and was itching for present time (and that look she gave anyone not carrying a big gift!), it was so awkward. To be honest, I don’t want to attend the wedding and am seriously considering refusing an invite.
I guess my view on it is, I don’t want to be that girl who makes everyone feel like they’re there out of obligation. How do you juggle people genuinely wanting to be nice and give a token of their support, while not wanting them to feel like they have to give something. But I think going out of your way like the woman in the article to contact people and check on where their gift is, is pretty crazy.
The method is unique depending on your circumstances (whether gift card, registry or wishing well etc.), I wouldn’t pass judgement on a couple who didn’t do a registry, or chose to do a honeymoon registry; if it is what works for them. I mean, let’s face it, it would be useless for me to but them a designer vase when what they need is dinner for the hotel at their honeymoon destination; so why go with a traditional registry if it doesn’t reflect who you are?
March 27, 2014 at 2:55 pm #436142
My comment was in no way a reflection on your opinion or on Happy G’s – I was simply responding to the question asked by the OP (“So, what do you think? Is it best to encourage cash-only/gift-card gifts, stick with a traditional registry or go gift-free?”). My answer is, there is nothing wrong with asking for money but I don’t think it should be written on the invite. I don’t think any mention of gifts, monetary or otherwise, should be made on the invite, but this is just me. Did I not say that my fiance and I will be asking for cash gifts if anyone would like to get us something?April 2, 2014 at 2:05 pm #436506
I think a lot of the time it isn’t so much about the gifts, but how the bride communicates whether or not she wants gifts, and in what form. I think it can be a bit tacky to put on the invite that you want gifts and how to give them; but a lot of people now have a wedding website where people can get the info if they really need it.April 8, 2014 at 8:49 am #437076
And that is the difference.
It is a whole different ball game to have a gift list that is more discreet but not by any means expected to straight up demanding cash and gifts.
That way if people want to contribute they can, and have an idea of what kind of things you need/want. But there is no pressure and they feel it is truly about sharing your big life moment.
I can’t think of anything worse than throwing a party simply to scam gifts and cash out of people. And doing it again.
Your friends and family are not there to cover your expenses or be your personal Santa, they are there to share a huge moment. The instant your mindset changes around that is the instant you stop deserving to have a wedding/engagement party/bridal shower etc.April 9, 2014 at 11:07 pm #437261
It’s surprising how many brides-to-be just don’t get that though, they tend to have the attitude of “it’s my day, my way, at any cost” which in the end can lose you a lot of respect.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like the classic ‘Bridezilla’ attitude, things can and will happen that don’t always go the way you want, but I roll with the punches and reassess the situation to get the best outcome. No wedding can be 100% ‘perfect’ (if such a thing exists) but some people will get so hung up on it, I suppose for some brides, getting the ‘right’ gift might be part of that ‘perfection’.April 10, 2014 at 4:25 pm #437311
I’m with you, Happy G – I don’t get the bridezilla attitude and I really don’t have the patience for people who start to exhibit it. After all, isn’t the main thing that you are married to the love of your life at the end of it all?
In my experience, people in my life who’ve been given pretty much everything they want growing up are the ones who tend to become a bit bridzilla-y or groomzilla-y – the people who’ve had to work for everything have been much happier to go with the flow. This, of course, could be different for you all, it is just something I have noticed within my own circle of friends, family and acquaintances.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.