Bridesmaid help!

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  HappyG 2 years, 9 months ago.

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    sam jarman

    Bridesmaid advice needed!


    A little bit of background..


    My partner of 6 ½ years popped the question a week ago at
    our housewarming in front of all our friends and familyJ


    My problem…


    I invited a friend our housewarming via Facebook expecting
    her not to come (she never does!) and was surprised to say the least when she
    arrived. This friend and I were very close all through school but since leaving
    school (and the entire length of my relationship with Mr P) have not had very
    much to do with each other.


    Anyway, straight after Mr P popped the question I overheard
    her talking to some of my friends/family about how she was going to be a
    bridesmaid and plans she had for my hen’s night. The awkward thing is that
    although we were close right through school, she hasn’t been a part of my life
    for a very long time and so I dnt really want her as one of my bridesmaidsL.  I am not really sure how to address this with
    her as it was something we always spoke about growing up and I know she is
    going to be very hurt.


    Dnt get me wrong we get along as great as we ever did when
    we do get together, but she is not a person I can rely on and not one of the
    people of would rush to call when I have good/bad new ect.

    I am not one for confrontation and have been considering if I
    just include her as one to just keep the peace, even though I know that she
    would not be there to support me and I do not want her in our wedding pictures.


    Any advice?



    The first thing that sprung to mind was this question – had this issue not arisen, would you have planned on even inviting her to your wedding?
    If you weren’t, then the issue can be forgotten and you should just continue with the plan of not inviting her. She will quickly realise that she isn’t a bridesmaid when she doesn’t hear anything about pre-wedding events or receive an actual invitation. If she were to approach you about this, you can always fall back onto the “we’re only having an intimate wedding with close family” excuse (which should hopefully be enough to save the friendship).
    If you were going to invite her, I think the issue does need to be addressed. Do you have any idea of who you will ask to be bridesmaids? Your sisters? His sisters? Your cousins? If you are only having a small bridal party, you could meet up with her and explain that you would love to have her as a bridesmaid but you are only having one attendant each and you have chosen your sister/his sister (or something along those lines). If you are filling your slots with family, this is also an excuse that she cannot argue with – meet up with her and explain that you would love to have her but you have gone with family to save the feelings of all your friends. If you are planning on asking some friends to be bridesmaids, the conversation is going to get a little more difficult. You could explain that you love her but feel you just aren’t as close as you used to be, but would still love her to attend as a guest.
    Whilst I hope that this isn’t the case, you should be prepared for her to potentially end the friendship (I have seen this happen to a friend of mine; it was sad but she moved on).



    The best thing you can do is be honest with her about your reasons, it’s not fair to let her think she’s going to be a bridesmaid when you don’t want her to be, and it is better to do it sooner rather than later to avoid as much awkwardness as possible (what if she planned a party, bought a dress and set up s Facebook group while you were still figuring out how to break it to her? Get it before it gets out of hand) .
    The fact that she thinks you’re still close and will keep a childhood promise means that this is something special and personal for her as well as for you, something she may have been waiting for four some time; so feelings will inevitably be hurt (even if she doesn’t outwardly show it at first.Be frank and open about your fears, feelings and plans while being open to the fact that you both may get emotional and say something untoward in the moment.
    You can still go down the family route, but it means that if you want anyone else other than family members in your bridal party, your childhood friend will be pretty miffed and probably won’t have a nice word to say (you’ll basically be outing yourself). Keep it simple,  honesty is the best policy.
    Smooth things over by asking her to be a guest and/or giving her a special job like MC or a small speech about who you were when you were little (something relevant to the friendship); just a little token to make her feel like she’s still a part of your life, even after all this time (and something that won’t be missed if she’s unreliable and doesn’t turn up).

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