- April 10, 2013 at 1:57 pm #375341
I’m new to the forum as my wedding planning has gone pretty well (pretty low key etc).
I’m just curious/interested in getting the opinions of other brides to be on this little dilemma that’s come up, what would be the best way to handle it, or just ignore it etc.
My partner and I have had a long engagement since I’m in the middle of PhD stuff and to give my out of country guests enough time to plan to come if they can (opposite sides of the world!), as well as give me plenty of time to organise everything with the added stress of the thesis. We sent our save the dates quite early to give individuals overseas enough time, and also sent them to our local guests as little fridge magnets (though most have probably forgotten by now, which is fine :))
A friend of ours (male, my partner’s friend) recently got engaged last year (so after us), which we are happy for him (though unforunately no one seems to like his future bride-to-be, we have tried but failed as she’s very standoffish, not interested in interacting with our group of friends/gets angry with the groom if he socialises with us), and they’ve planned to have their wedding two months before ours (which is fine/understandable as its a year from their engagement and we had a long engagement).
The issue that has come up, is that our friend’s fiance (the bride) informed me casually that they will probably not be attending our wedding since they are planning to have their honeymoon then. I was a little shocked and wonder whether this was deliberate, as they have our save the date informing them when the wedding will be (a definite date, as we booked the venue two years ago), and the comment itself indicated that they are quite aware of when our wedding is but didn’t care?
Obviously, I don’t want them to structure their honeymoon around our wedding, but it’s odd that she’s planning to book it for then even though the groom and my partner are good friends and my partner wants her groom at our wedding.
I didn’t respond to the comment because I didn’t know what to say or how to handle the situation, and I’m also not sure if the groom is aware of the comment/plan. When I told my partner he was disappointed but not surprised by her actions.
Should we say anything to the groom, or just keep quiet and let things fall as they may?
Curious as to what others would do in this situation
April 10, 2013 at 9:14 pm #377303
Honestly? I would let it go. You’re fiance will obviously be upset by their actions but in the end the day is about you two, not them. Your wedding will still be wonderful and they will miss out. I would however not be putting in any effort for them from now on.
Ps. Before you get too upset, is there any reason why they must go at that specific time? School holidays, boss who is stingy with annual leave, family commitments?April 11, 2013 at 4:43 pm #377641
It sounds to me like she just doesn’t care, but I wouldn’t be surprised if her fiance doesn’t know she’s mentioned it to you. I reckon he’d be a bit uncertain to book his honeymoon then if he’s such a good friend because he’ll want to be at your wedding. I would not worry about it for now, she’s probably trying to cause issues. I would just ask your fiance to talk to his friend next time they catch up and ask if they had any set plans yet, and say you understand if they don’t have any choice in the matter (eg. school holidays, stingy boss, as Jennaya said). Obviously you would love for them to be there, but what they decide can’t be helped… but definitely find out from him rather than her…April 11, 2013 at 8:03 pm #377771
Hi Jennay & Emerald,
Thank you for your responses! I think you’re both right in waiting it out to see what will happen as opposed to making it a big thing
As for your question Jennay, to my knowledge there is no specific reason as to why they have to go on those particular dates, (but if there are I’m not privy to them). I guess it just appears to be possibly deliberate on the bride’s part due to other incidents that have occurred with this couple.
I know the bride hates her groom’s group of friends, who are also all of our friends and will be at our wedding, so I wonder if maybe this is a way in which she can effectively avoid coming to ours?
Some of the other incidents that raised questions/made me wonder if this is deliberate include their rushed engagement and moving in together, the bride often getting angry with the groom if he wishes to socialise with his friends (either with or without her) and has on occasion stated her disdain for them to him (when she didn’t know others had heard), when we announced we had just bought a house (after a long search etc) they bought one two weeks right after us that was quite rushed as they would just look at the one property, put an offer down and get rejected, then move on to the next house (which they started doing when ours was under contract), when we mentioned we were in the process of adopting a second dog through a breed rescue agency (which took about 3 months to get everything finalised as they come and check you out to make sure you’ll be a good dog owner) they went out and immediately bought a puppy, and she refuses to come to social events if they cannot bring their puppy (which for example, I recently had a birthday party that they gave me grief about because they couldn’t bring their puppy, but we had just gotten our new rescue a few days before who we were in the process of socialising with our other dog, and adding the third would have created more complications, especially since our first can be quite high strung/nervous so it required alot of work on our part to make sure things went smoothly etc).
I’m not sure if this is a case of ‘keeping up with the jones’ though to be fair I would say we are definitely NOT the joneses haha (probably far from it!!)
But anyways, we’ll keep quiet and let things fall where they may. It’s good though to be able to get this out in writing as a way to vent now instead of this building up and causing issues later. If it does get booked I’m sure my partner will have a quiet word with his friend and not make a scene about it, it may just mean that we might have to move forward in life with the friendship becoming more distant (these things happen I suppose!) thank you for listening and good advice!April 11, 2013 at 10:17 pm #377775
Hi Syropae, unfortunately your story is not rare… I know a woman (my fiance’s friend’s wife) who cannot stand any of his friends (my fiancee included) even though they’ve been best buds since the start of high school and have always been close. She decided which friend (out of 3) was allowed to be a groomsman at their wedding (my fiance was not allowed to be best man). She doesn’t like his friends coming over, even though she’s a fantastic cook and throws dinner parties with her friends quite regularly. My fiance only went to see his friend for the first time in over a year a couple weeks ago. He stayed the night, and we assumed the friend was having a boys’ night with the wife out of town… she was there, and clearly not happy… She also cannot stand children. I’ve been there once, for a dinner party, but whenever we’ve been invited over at other times (just us, no party) she’s said that kids are not allowed. I suppose that’s the opposite of your girl not coming if the dog isn’t invited, but this woman will not let a child into her house. I have no problem getting mom to babysit if it’s a party/function/trivia night, etc. But just for dinner? I asked my fiance what I was meant to do and he said that she expects me to pawn my son off to a babysitter every time I go out… I’m not that type of woman. To me children aren’t an accessory that you only have around when it suits you. Needless to stay I wouldn’t go if she was going to keep telling me my kid wasn’t welcome, so we stopped getting invites. I haven’t seen her in 2 years… I just asked my fiance what will happen when we get married and have more kids, and he said that I and the children will never be welcome to their house, and they will never come to ours. Once again, like you, the bride/wife is alienating her husband from his friends. Honestly, we’re hoping she won’t bother coming to the wedding…
It does sound like they’re copying everything you do, and probably trying to be better than you. Like my fiance’s friend’s wife, who wants the best house, the best furniture, the best cars, etc. You get the point. To some people image is everything. As much as I hate thinking about her, I remind myself of that all the time. I’m willing to marry a man who doesn’t have money, and I know we’re going to struggle to buy a house, and we won’t be able to have as many children as we would like, or send them to private schools, but I know that we will always love and support each other, and my kids will have a father who will read to them at night time and love them. And I know that even though she has a better house and a better life, they’re not happy and haven’t been for a while, and will continue to be unhappy for a long time. Comparing the two, I will always choose happiness. Hope this helps you feel better!
P.S. you’re always welcome to rant!
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