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a selfish wedding (in two parts)

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  jsbride 3 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #349861

    miharu123
    Member

    Hi. Sorry this is a bit long but I would really like to know your opinions on this.
    We got engaged in December but have been together for 12 years. My parents are super religious but we’d prefer a civil service. His family is full of gossipy snobs and mine is full of unhappy people. I’m an only-child and this is likely to be the only wedding on his side. Aargh!
    I really want the vows, the rings, our friends present and to feel pretty but that’s it. Anything more wedding-y than that makes me feel overwhelmed and miserable.
    We are going to be overseas for the second half of this year. I’m super excited about finally becoming husband and wife but feel sick at the thought of waiting til next year and worrying about the wedding the whole time we’re away.
    So he had the idea that we could book the reception venue for when we return next year but have the ceremony while we’re still in Aus this year.
    About 70 people would be welcome to attend the ceremony but there would be no formal celebration after it for them. We’d mingle for half an hour after the wedding and then go have lunch with the parents, his sister and our two best friends. It’d be nice to meet up with close friends in a sunny beer garden in the afternoon.
    Having something next year would give our overseas friends a chance to be here for some of our wedding and would take the pressure off about all the wedding-y things that freak me out (who’s going to insist on flowers, cake, decorations a year after the fact?). I think at that point it would be a little bit reception/anniversary/welcome-back party. And it would be nicer than anything we could organise in the time we have now.
    We’re not expecting gifts and we’d be eloping if it wouldn’t hurt our family so much. Is this an ok compromise? My mum got really angry and his mum cried.
    Do you think the idea is too selfish, or weird? Would you feel excluded if you had to wait eight months for the reception?

    #349865

    I think, when it comes to your wedding, the word ‘selfish’ shouldn’t be used because, as I just stated at the beginning of this sentance, it’s YOUR wedding. You’re not sharing it, you’re not going halves with someone, you’re not marrying the man with 4 other brides beside you. It’s you and your groom…
     
    It might be a little harsh, but both sides of your family need to understand this. Your day needs to be yours, you need to be happy, and it’s not about what they want or expect. I think the small ceremony sounds great, simple and intimate. I thing having the two different events after the ceremony, the lunch with the family and then the garden party with the friends, is a great idea. You get to see everyone in your own time and aren’t overwhelmed at walking into a room with 70+ people all wanting to come up and talk to you at once. As long as all those who were invited to the ceremony are also then invited to the reception down the track, I don’t see the problem.
     
    Also, not everyone does a traditional wedding these days. Couples are altering and tweaking all details to have the day they want rather than following tradition. I would explain this to the parents, say it’s the wedding you want, and leave it at that. Eventually they’ll get over it. Otherwise, they don’t have to come…

    #349937

    jsbride
    Member

    Hi Miharu,
     
    I think you should do what makes you happy and not anyone else. My dad still remembers how many guests he had to cut because his mother-in-law wasn’t happy with the list, all these years later!
     
    I know a couple who were married in Vegas, then when they returned to Australia they had a party for her 30th birthday, and once all the guests arrived they started playing the ceremony photos on a slideshow and then they arrived in their wedding gear. It was a really great time and their families were over the moon, shocked but it was just a really happy time. I think the less they know the better, which might be hard, but if they know they have too much time to nit pick and find the negatives… Obviously in your situation they will be aware but I think if you don’t have the support there, make the decisions with your partner and friends and then just tell your family that this is when it is going to be and how it is all going to happen.
     
    I don’t think it is weird at all!

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