May 11, 2012 at 11:47 pm #223227
So here’s my situation: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years and we’ve been living together for about 18 months. We both know that eventually we want to get married but we’re in no real rush for the wedding. However, we have many friends who are engaged/married and I would dearly love to get engaged. He has had several reasons for not wanting to get engaged previously such as the length of time we’ve been together, our age, etc. which are all totally understandable but now he has admitted to me there’s really only one reason we can’t get engaged…
MONEY! I’m more than happy to wait and just mentally plan our wedding and discuss it casually, but each time I talk about engagements or weddings or kids or anthing like that he gets upset. He (like a lot of guys apparently) wants to put the perfect ring on my finger and every time I talk about those things he feels depressed because he can’t afford my ring.
I’m currently saving money in a seperate account for him so he can pay off some of his debts and afford the ring, but I don’t earn very much and it’s going to take a long time. I am considering telling him that he can just buy me a plain ring for the proposal and get my ‘real’ ring later but I think he’s too proud for that… Maybe I could ask if we could start planning properly and then just have a short engagement? (we both want to have stuff pretty much finalised by the time we announce our engagement so there’s less family pressure)
I’m tearing my hair out over this and have no idea what to do! Any suggestions? Anyone else been in a similar situation?May 12, 2012 at 9:14 pm #241633
I’d suggest either a longish engagement would take a lot of pressure off whether you get engaged now or later…
In terms of now I’d suggest calmly discussing with FH whether you’d both be happy with a stand in ring now or whether it is important for you to be engaged with the ring you will wear forever? I know part of what’s special about my ring to me is It is the one I connect with the day he proposed! FH was always adamt he wanted to buy the perfect ring and wanted to spend more than I needed and expected.that’s important to me but it’s a personal thing.
Also I’d there’s no rush to get married, why rush to b engaged? Trust me I know the feeling when you’ve been dating a while and people start doing it, but FH and I knew we would get married. I wanted to wait till we were ready and afford the wedding we wanted! FH and I were dating almost 6 years but waited until then because we wanted to finish uni and had put most of our money into saying for a house together.
I suppose what I’m trying got say is whatever you do you should consider each others feelings, any further pressure and the practical implications.
There is no reason why you can’t think about it all and all of that but it’s hard to plan plan without a good idea of how much you can spend overall and most vendors expect part payment on booking.
FH and I decided on 18 months for an engagement so we didn’t feel pressured too much about paying things and could sort out wedding, house hunting etc
Work out what works for you and not everyone else, just because everyone else is getting married doesn’t mean you need to do it quickly unless it’s important to you to do so!
I know it’s a while away till I marry FH but like you we knew we’d marry so I can live with that!May 16, 2012 at 8:12 am #241753
I was in the same boat, however I found the pressure of actually having the ring on my finger was HUGE, and my dad ended up getting quite upset when we refused to set a date for 6 months.
We were together about 6 months before people started asking us when we were going to get engaged, we talked about it all the time, we knew we were going to get married one day, but wanted to leave it until we were in a position to start planning. Now I have a great stable job (as does he) and we live close to home now, so it’s a lot easier.
I guess I’m promoting the value of waiting. If you know it’s going to happen then as hard as it is, it may be worth it in the long run. Plus planning is fun when you can talk about it with others, it might be awkward if you’re planning but not engaged.
Our engagement period is 2 yearsMay 18, 2012 at 3:46 am #241819
My partner is the same, we’re engaged(ish) well everyone else calls us fiance. as there all sick of calling us boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/whatever. I call him wifey & groomy.
He doesn’t want to propose until we’re well off, me I’d be happy with the ring out of a kinder egg.
My advice, shop around for a high interest savings account. Create a money making hobby, wether thats working the bar a couple nights a week, selling on ebay etc. & keep that money for your future.
if your like me and already have ideas of what you want to do on your big day, research research research. That way when said question is popped, you already have a great idea of whats out there, what’s value for money & you’ve had that extra time to know what’s going to make your day amazing.
websites like http://www.etsy.com & http://www.pinterest.com have really inspired me to think outside the square in order to have a great value wedding.
I am very much in the same boat as you, so feel free to message me, google + me, sharing advice & what not.May 18, 2012 at 10:01 pm #241837
One more thing to consider.
The moment we got engaged we had people asking what our wedding date was and when the engagement party is! So much pressure and it had only been a few hours!
Waiting was hard especially knowing FH was getting close to his goal amount…but it’s nice to know I can plan at lock things inMay 21, 2012 at 7:32 am #241873
Why not propose to him if you feel strongly about not waiting?
But I also think that being in a good financial position is the best way to start a life together (finances and fighting over them is one of the top three reasons for divorce).May 27, 2012 at 3:40 am #241921
Thanks so much for your advice everyone!
I think deep down I know that the most sensible thing to do is wait until we have the money, but I also think I will talk to FH about it and let him know what’s on my mind and maybe we could work something out.
I know I’m going to end up spending the rest of my life with him and at the end of the day that just makes me happier than any ring possibly could.June 4, 2012 at 3:25 am #242047
I was in a similar situation with my FH before we got engaged.
My FH and I ended up chosing a ring together, and initially putting down a deposit and making monthly repayments until it was paid off.
Something that alot of people said to me was that there doesn’t always have to be a ring (although it is a pretty good way to close the deal). it should be about making the commitment to each other.
Good luck and I hope the next post you make is telling us that your man proposedSeptember 15, 2012 at 10:25 pm #305927
Hey there thought i would help you we have been together for 8 years and honestly if i had known that jewellers have some of these options we would have thought about getting engaged sooner so im happy to help you out. Michael Hill jewellers have the most exquisite rings ever and i found my dream ring. You can either pay a 10% deposit and then its direct debited out of your account every week or fortnight. This is called certegy provided your partner is working they work out the amount deducted every week and after paying the deposit its take home.
Another option is GE finance im not sure about these options but just tell your boyfriend to ask at the jewellers as my partner told me straight away if he had known it was that easy we would have gotten engaged already. My ring i know “arrangements” have been made and our anniversary of 8 yrs is in 2 weeks so here’s hoping!!!!! Hope this helps xxxx
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