January 14, 2011 at 2:46 am #220859
I’ve seen a couple of posts on here about girls that are having issues with not wanting someone in their bridal party, and it appears that I am now on the same boat.
I was the Matron of Honour in my friend’s wedding in 2009. At that time, she & I spent nearly every day together & I considered her and her husband to be almost like family to me.
In the past year and a half since they got married, I’ve drifted significantly from both of them. Some situations arose where both of them lied to me, pulled me into arguments between them, and caused a big up-roar amongst myself, my current partner, and my former husbands family. (My previous husband passed away & these “friends” were telling me that other people were bad-mouthing him after his passing, which turned out not to be true.) They also disrespected my fiancee when he & I began dating, several times, and have gone as far as to make me feel like a bad mother for choosing to date again after my husband’s passing.
Both of my friends know that we’ve all drifted. They’ve stopped calling as much & we rarely spend time together, unless it’s someone’s birthday party.
When my current partner and I announced our engagement, before I even had time to think about who I would like in my bridal party, my friends husband told her & I that he knew she would play a big part in my wedding. I think that, coupled with the dramas that we’ve had in the last year, have caused me to not want her in my wedding party even more.
I only want 3 girls in my bridal party. My best friend of 14 years is my Maid of Honour, and I’ve already made that quite clear to everyone. And I’ve also asked my former husband’s sister. She & I have become quite close since his passing. We’ve both been there for each other a lot & are pretty much sisters now. I know that she will be someone that I can rely on for advice & help in planning my wedding. And the other person that I would like to ask is actually a friend of my fiancee. She’s a happy, bubbly girl with a great personality & I know having her in my bridal party would be a great choice.
I have not officially asked her yet, nor have I told many people the number of girls that will be in my bridal party. And the wedding isn’t until 2013, so I do have time to change my mind. But my dilemma is that this friend is expecting to be a part of my wedding, and her husband is telling her to expect as much. I know that she would be deeply hurt and possibly offended if I don’t ask her. But with all that has happened, I want someone that I enjoy being around, to play a part in my big day.
I guess my question is how should I even bring this up to her? I know I definitely have time to think it out & decide on the best course of action, which is why I’m not too stressed about it. But I just don’t want this to turn into more drama. (I know it will, regardless of how the situation is handled.) But I’d like to avoid it as much as possible.
Any advide for me, girls?January 14, 2011 at 6:11 am #231185
It sounds to me like you already know what to do. If you dont want her as a BM then it is simple, dont ask her. If she brings it up then tell her quite simply that you feel your have grown apart and that you feel like the issues between you are not yet resolved (or something to that effect). As for your 3rd girl, i would wait to ask until much closer to the day incase you drift apart or become closer to someone else.
On a side note, i think it is wonderful that you have been able to find love again. Even more so that you are still able to be close to his family and include them in your special day. Dont worry about those who think negativly towards it. So long as he is good to you and your children that is all that matters. Congratulations on your engagement and the best of luck to you both!January 14, 2011 at 7:30 am #231201
As Bec said simply don’t ask her. You are under no obligation to have her as your BM even if you were in her wedding. It is simply your choice. As for assuming that she is in your wedding well that is just rude!
Basically I think you can see what kind of person she is just by the fact that she has come out of the woodwork as soon as you announced your wedding! But didn’t want to be around for any of the hard stuff that you have faced in the past. She sounds like a peach!
For the moment I would just play on the fact that your are not getting married until 2013 and just say if asked that it is way to early to be making those sorts of decisions. It is always advisable to wait until closer to your wedding to pick bridal party members. A lot can change in 2 years and once asked it is bad etiquette to “kick” someone out of the bridal party.
Congratulations and good luckJanuary 14, 2011 at 10:47 am #231205
J-Jaye, in her defense, she was there for me a lot after my husband passed away. Always there to talk to & helped me out with the kids.
The whole falling out actually happened last year when a married friend of mine came on to me (I told him no as 1) he was married & I would never do that kind of thing and 2) he was married to a very close friend of mine!) Long story short, my friend & her husband got involved in the whole situation. Her & her husband both blatantly lied and made up stories. They would tell me the guy who came on to me was spreading rumors that my late husband cheated on me, or that he was lying and saying that I actually did sleep with him.
It was this whole situation that started to cause a big rift between us.
My fiancee was made to feel unwelcomed when we first started dating & was practically interrogated at one point by my friends husband to make sure “he was good enough for me”. And the night that we announced our engagement, my friend actually told my fiancee that she was cranky with him because he didn’t include her in his proposal plans! (Only him, his best friend and his mother knew it was happening.)
But thank you girls for the advice. I’ll just keep my #3 spot open & make a decision later on down the line.January 15, 2011 at 8:57 am #231229
You are a good friend and she definately doesn’t deserve you! I mean defending her to a total stranger.
I hope you can repair the rift as it seems to me that she still means a lot to you.
Good luck and you dont have to pick the bridal party for ages so hopefully it all works out.January 15, 2011 at 7:48 pm #231235
I think you should wait, there is no reason that you need to make your decision now. See what the situation is like closer to the date. Good luck.
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